FROM THE ARCHIVES: CONFIDENTIAL MEMORANDUM TO: That Certain Commander

I think Gordon is writing a book.  In fact, I hope he is.  I would buy it.  More, I would read it.  Despite what you will read in this post, he is a big favorite of this site.

I think this because in recent months, he has fallen back on one of the least engaging segment-burn techniques the Musers haul out from time to time:  baiting George Dunham.  Not finding fresh stuff upon which to turn his talents, but instead digging up sex stories unworthy of his observational talents and torturing George.

For quite some time, the baiting nearly stopped.  Lately, it has returned.

I mention this today because I experienced a personal record this morning, punching out at 5:45 a.m. at "free bleeders" talk.   This wasn't strictly a Gordon-baiting-George segment, since George brought it up in reference to texts Gordon had sent him over the weekend which he hadn't read but which he invited Gordon to elaborate on first thing this fine Monday.  Error.

In fact, this column is about George's complicity in this punch-out fodder.

I was startled to see that this column was from June 2010. 

The redhead is new.

Here it is:

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I'm not the only one who reaches for the dial when Gordon baits George.  I hear from the very Sweetest of the Clean that they join me in finding Gordon's near-constant baiting of George tiresome and unamusing.   It usually takes the form of attributing to George racist-sexist-antigay-stupid off-air statements that he did not make or positions that he does not hold and that, in fact, no rational person would.   Its stale; it's overfrequent; and, unlike some repeated Ticket gags, not funny.  Alas, Gordon, in most of his ventures a very great favorite of My Ticket Confession, has not sought Your Plainsman's advice on this topic, so the baiting goes on.

Copyright The UnTicket.com

Used without permission.

Here's an example.  April 9.  I wrote it down, although the following quotes are inexact.  Gordon is talking about a jewelry heist by a gang of Hispanic individuals. 

GORDON:  "George thought the guys were probably caught when they were found in a nearby park taking a siesta with big sombreros pulled down over their faces."

GEORGE:  "I never said that."

There are two things to notice about this (and the same analysis could be made of almost every single other instance of baiting).  One obvious, one less obvious.

First:  We'll put aside the fact that it's Gordon that is making the offensive racial stereotype references.   The problem is that it isn't amusing.  It isn't witty.  It isn't clever.  It isn't even aurally interesting.  It is just a lie told about George at the expense of Mexicans.  It's dumb.   And -- how about this? -- it brings the story he is actually telling to a complete stop.   So -- not quality broadcasting.

Second:  George reacts.   He does so every time.  He does it almost the same way every time.  That is, he denies what is obviously false.  Sometimes he switches it up and says "That's what you say," or in some other way feebly attempts to attribute the slander to Gordon.  Whatever he says -- he rises to the bait and hits it. 

Now, perhaps I'm overreacting here.  Perhaps The P1 Nation finds the George-baiting to be can't-miss radio.   For those of you who, like me, find it to be show-killing filler, you will be pleased to know that I have hit upon the solution to this metastasizing anti-comedy.  

I came to understand that in ranting against Gordon I was attacking the part of the problem least likely to yield to my subtle and informed critique.  I now see that the proper solution is not to attempt to affect the supply (that is, Gordon, the incorrigible provider of aggravation) but rather the demand (George, its hapless consumer). 

Here's how you stop it:

George:  Lay out.

When Gordon claims that you have said or believe some stupid thing, just sit there.  Let the bait sink past you, straight to the bottom, while Gordon sits on the showgram shoreline, stalk of alfalfa sticking out of his mouth, waiting for you to chomp down on the lure.   Stop the dull game by swimming away.  Not one word.  If he persists -- not one word.  Let Gordon's flop sweat fill the studio.

Comedians who don't get a reaction to a joke cycle it out of their routine.  Time for this one to suffer that fate.  You'll thank me.  The Sweet Clean Nation will thank you. 

Who says this site isn't on the cutting edge of sophisticated Ticket commentary?

"I say it."

BREAKING BREAKING BREAKING: Um . . . No News on The Train Station Fitness Show PLUS Bonus Barb Smith Sighting!

In the last thread, a Confessor mentioned that Gordon had, perhaps inadvertently, dropped a hint that George DiGianni's venerable early-Saturday show might soon be ending.  Then, another Confessor (love those Confessors) mentioned that in his very next show, George mentioned that he has booked guests through May -- sounded odd.

Thus advised, I alerted my Ticket Questionable Information Network to BOLO for information on this sizzling Ticket topic.  I engaged a usually trustworthy operative to go undercover at The Ticket to see what s/he could discover about DiGianni's plans -- or  .  .  .  the Ticket's plans for him.

I can now confidently report that I have no additional information suggesting that TTSFS will be going off the air.

REALLY BREAKING:  Barb Smith, former Traffic Twist who put My Ticket Confession on the map, is in studio today (Tuesday, April 17).  She's not on the air, apparently only escorting a group of eighth graders there for a field trip in her position as a teacher of media journalism at Willow Springs Middle School.  Got that naughty librarian thing going on  .  .  .  .  Hey, Barb, great to hear your name on the air, and thanks again for the boost to this site when you showed up in the comments unexpectedly after your departure from the Ticket to let everyone know you were OK.

Fred Garvin Runs 'Em Down -- Who's The Ticket MVP?

Confessor Fred Garvin sent me an essay on his view of the Most Valuable Player on The Ticket, MVP as being defined -- reasonably, I think -- by him.  The views Fred expresses are not necessarily those of Your Plainsman or this site.

I picked the redheads.

As always, comments are welcome.  However, please refrain from ad hominem attacks on Fred or his analysis.  If you disagree, give us your reasons and, if you'd like, an alternative candidate.

I thank Fred for his contribution.  Please send your own proposed post to ThePlainsman1310@gmail.com.  I'll let you know if I think it's suitable or if I would like changes.  You might wish to drop me a proposal for an article first,as Fred did in this case.

Many thanks.  

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It’s time for a classic barroom debate: Who’s the MVP of The Ticket?

By “MVP,” I mean the regular host—not substitute host, not weekend host, not Jake, not Danny—who brings the most radio goodness to the table. I’m talking about the person who, if they were to depart The Ticket tomorrow, would create the biggest void, not just for their own show, but for the station as a whole.

In my view, there are only three contenders: George Dunham, Bob Sturm, and Gordon Keith.

One of these we can dismiss fairly quickly: Gordon.

Gordon is loaded with talent. Humorist, writer, musician, impressionist (his Trump is the best in the country), cultural commentator. He’s so talented, in fact, that I was mildly relieved when I heard him sound a little pitchy at Summer Bash. Because really, to be as good as he is at everything else, and to be a handsome son-of-a-_*****, AND to be able to sing—well, that would just be cruel to those of us who struggle to do any one thing with distinction.

The only flaw in Gordon’s game is that he doesn’t know sports. And that’s a big deal when you’re on a sports talk radio station. It means that Gordon is largely MIA for important sports conversations. What’s more, in the eight years I’ve been listening to The Ticket, he doesn’t appear to have done anything to address this weakness. So, as great as the Great Gordo is, he’s only going to take home the bronze.

Dunham and Sturm, on the other hand, are the most well-rounded Ticket hosts. They’re five-tool players. To paraphrase a line from a Ticket promo, they can do everything the other hosts do, but the other hosts—talented though they may be—can’t do everything Jub and Sports Sturm can do. 

Ginger time out:

 

 There can be only one MVP, however. So, who’s it going to be? Here’s your point-by-point comparison:

Interviewing: Bob asks the most meandering, self-referential, commentary-laden questions in the business. Good, interesting questions, mind you, but questions that challenge you not to lose the thread. George, on the other hand, keeps things simple. His questions are less thought-provoking than Bob’s, but they cover the essential ground clearly and quickly.

Advantage: This is a tough one, but I’m going to give it to Bob. His interviews, though sometimes awkward, tend to explore unfamiliar terrain, and elicit fresh responses.

Humor: Because he’s partners with Dan, Bob’s humor is underrated. He has a surprisingly quick wit, though, and a fine sense of when to work a joke and when to move on. But George has another gear…impressions, polished comedy bits, and the ability to serve as an effective straight man to Gordon, who needs good set-ups, appropriate reactions, and just the right amount of leash. George delivers all of that.

Advantage: George. Bob may be naturally funnier, but George has arrows in his quiver that Bob does not.

Sports knowledge: Mike knows baseball, Corby knows college football, Jake knows the NBA…but George and Bob know everything. They can talk the Big Four with ease. Bob, though, knows soccer too. Plus, when it comes to NFL and the Cowboys, Bob brings information and analysis to the table that you’re not going to hear elsewhere (including from George).

Advantage: Bob. In terms of sports knowledge, he and George are head and shoulders above most Ticket hosts, but Bob brings more depth and breadth to the conversation than George does.

Music: Music is a big part of Ticket culture—making music, and talking about others who make it. This is obviously a passion for George, but barely a passing interest for Bob.

Advantage: George. His knowledge of music is far superior to Bob’s. Plus, though he’s modest about his musical abilities, I’ve seen George blow the doors off the joint more than once. Bob, on the other hand, is the guy in the audience with you and me, saying “Wow…”

Pop culture: Television, movies, teacher-student sex, politics, Internet memes, weird-but-true news stories…all of this is fodder and fair game for Ticket hosts. Both Bob and George have a fairly chaste sensibility, and tend to shy away from sex-related stories. (This can be difficult, as they are paired with co-hosts—Dan and Gordon, respectively—who often fixate on things carnal.) Beyond that realm, though, Bob seems more attuned to what’s going on in movies and television, and willing to wade into most conversations initiated by Dan or Jake, regardless of topic. George, on the other hand, sometimes hangs out on the periphery of these discussions, letting Gordon and Craig drive the segment.

Advantage: Bob. He’s more comfortable with non-sports talk than George, and more eager to engage in it.

On-air chemistry: I like Dan. A lot. But he isn’t a particularly generous co-host. Bob, though, works hard to generate actual conversations with Dan, and to participate fully in Dan’s bits. This works so well, I find myself wondering if they’re friends outside of work. George and Craig, on the other hand—though friends of long-standing—don’t have the same easy connection. Often, they sound like they’re talking past each other, rather then having an authentic conversation. And George’s impatience with Gordon’s sometimes juvenile approach is obvious.

Advantage: Bob. His rapport with Dan seems natural and fun, which is a considerable achievement, considering Dan’s style. George isn’t on that same level with Craig…and certainly not with Gordon.

X-factor: Both Bob and George seem like exceedingly kind, thoughtful, generous, humble, good men. George does a lot of charity work, and to hear him get choked up when talking about senior citizens has, more than once, brought a tear to my eye. (He’s not given to cheap emotion, so you know his compassion is genuine.) He’s also quick to defend others against Gordon’s sharper barbs.

Bob knows he won life’s lottery—great job, great wife, great kids, great pipes—and like George, seeks to share his blessings: by adopting a child from Honduras, by quarterbacking the “Drop Your Pants” event, and by lifting up his coworkers. (He invites input from Jake and TC, knowing that he’s already made it, but that they need reps if they’re ever going to achieve what he has.)

Advantage: Neither. Both seem like guys you’d be proud to number among your friends.

Y-factor: George is on the air for 4.5 hours per day. Bob is on for 3.0 hours. Both are impressive (can you imagine filling even one hour every day, day after day, for years on end, without taking calls?). But mathematically speaking, one is more impressive than the other…doubly so, when you consider the time of day we’re talking about.

Advantage: George.

***

Based on the foregoing analysis, the application of a proprietary algorithm, and the sprinkling of a little magic dust, your 2018 Ticket MVP Award goes to:

Bob Sturm!

Congratulations, Bob. (And George, against this level of competition, there’s no shame in taking the silver.)

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We had a request not long ago for Maureen O'Hara.

Someone home behind those green peepers.  And

she could act.