Only My Ticket Confession Has the Courage to Ask If The Ticket's Endorsements Threaten the End of the World

A lot of you don't like these kind of posts, so apologies in advance.

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Oh, my quaking Confessors, I had a horrifying thought this evening.

It makes me wonder if The Ticket has taken a position which, under certain circumstances, might mean the end of reality as we know it.

It is indeed a world-threatening possibility.

But before I get to that, I would like to join Mike Rhyner in wishing Donald Fagen a happy milestone birthday, his 65th.  A true musical genius, including, I would argue, a performing genius.  I recorded one of his tunes awhile back, very cool arrangement with a trio plus a Hammond B3.  My performance would not make you forget his, but it was an honor to sing it nevertheless.

Love this man's stuff.

All right, back to the end of civilization.

As you know, all the Ticket hosts, without exception have (no doubt independently) concluded that All-Pro Foundation Repair is the foundation repair to select.  I wonder how many of you are also aware that even Jody Dean endorses All-Pro Foundation Repair.

This is not Jody Dean.  It is Tara Harper,
to whom Jody Dean  reportedly pitched woo
on something called Most Eligible Dallas.  But she is
more fun to look at a picture of than is Jody Dean.

Its preferred method of foundation repair has an extremely unusual property.   This property is not described on its website -- indeed, I can find no Internet references to it at all.  However, this method -- the solid helical pier -- is described on All-Pro's website as follows:  "This pier has an almost infinite drilling depth and weight bearing capacity."  Got that?  Almost infinite.

But The Ticket doesn't even make a claim that extreme.  The hosts (through, I recall, Mike Rhyner) expressly state that the pier can support more than twice the weight of the house.  "That's why we say," Mike says, "that it is mathematically impossible to fail."

Whoa.  Mathematically impossible to fail.

But consider:

What if one of them failed?

Hypothetical illustration.

Well, you snicker, that's ridiculous -- it's a mathematical impossibility.

Oh yeah?  Well then, why does All-Pro Foundation Repair give a lifetime guarantee?  

First of all, what the hell is a lifetime guarantee?  The buyer's?  What if he sells the house?  Does the guarantee go until the seller dies?  Or is it the lifetime of the house?  How is that measured?  I suppose one measure would be its collapse with the catastrophic failure of the helical piers.  

But let's put that conundrum aside, and consider the meaning of a guarantee.  It provides buyers with a remedy in the event of the failure of the product.  Ah, you say, All-Pro might as well issue a lifetime guarantee if its pier is mathematically impossible to fail, since it would never, ever have a claim.  But surely it would be an even better sales ploy to say -- our piers, being mathematically impossible to fail, don't even require a lifetime guarantee, because one would be completely unnecessary.  Issuing a lifetime guarantee where the event being guaranteed against is considered, or represented to be, impossible, would be like the Vatican issuing a money-back lifetime warranty of Jesus's love.

Nope -- a guarantee concedes the possibility of claims against it -- the possibility of failure.

Nevertheless, whatever you think a lifetime guarantee means, the question still remains:

What if this pier, which, after all, is just a piece of solid galvanized metal, and not a magical substance  .  .  .  failed.  Did not support properly.  Within your lifetime, you found cracks in your foundation.

So then we would have something that is mathematically impossible to fail .  .  .  failing.

Which would mean that mathematics -- the way we describe the physical world, the basis for all technology, the discipline without which we would have nothing -- indeed, according to some schools of thought that claim that mathematics is an inherent property of the universe, a set of truths that are "discovered" rather than "invented" -- without which there would be nothing -- is false.

Suggesting, if one accepts this latter view of math, that the failure of an All-Pro Helical Pier would mean the end of the universe.

So, if any of you know of a house employing an All-Pro Helical Pier with foundation problems -- keep it to yourself. 

Twitter:  @Plainsman1310

Email:  ThePlainsman1310@gmail.com