The Freak: It Said What it Wanted . . .

REMINDER: "ANONYMOUS" POSTS WILL BE DELETED.

A Hearty Congratulations to BaD Radio

I had hoped to get something more substantial up for this notable accomplishment, but  .  .  .  failed.

Congratulations to Bob Sturm and Dan McDowell on their 5,000th show.

I was able to catch some of this today.  Was a kick to hear Gribble, that Nice Young Michael Gruber, and T.C. Fleming again.

On the one hand, the show's obsessive self-chronicling (do they have every show on tape?) is a little self-absorbed.  But forget that hand -- I'm really glad they take the show seriously and archive their stuff, keep track of show numbers, all the rest.  Keep it up, lads.   Whatever one may think of the show, it can't be denied that their show preparation is tops at The Ticket -- yes, topping even the Sainted Musers.

That shows respect to the listeners.

And we shouldn't forget that they turned down an opportunity for (it is said) more money to move to another station not so very long ago.  There's some love there.

I do worry that Bob will take his Large Sports Brain to more lucrative fields full-time (TV, behind the scenes with a network, play-by-play, sports journalism, books), so let's enjoy the team while we can.

A question for wayback P1s:  Don't The Hardline and The Musers each have more shows in the bag -- maybe not at their current time slots, but at least identifiably as the shows they still are -- than BaD?  I don't want to detract from the 5,000-show milestone, but, in the words of an immortal BaD staffer -- am I wrong here, guys?

Again, best wishes and for many more shows to come.

 

Drydock Tock + Happy Birthday to MTC

Let's have some.

I'll start.  I was glad to hear The Shake Joint in the ayem, but was sorry to think that I would not have the pleasure of hearing Jake on with Dan McDowell.

I was in error.  I was able to tune in midday yesterday, and there they were.

I like Bob, I like Dan, and I like BaD, but BaD bogs, boy does it bog.  But Jake and Dan do not bog.  Jake keeps things moving and maybe I'm just imagining this, but it seems to me that Dan steps his game up with this pairing.

Gotta run.  Gimme some drydock thoughts.

ALSO:  Please keep a good thought for this My Ticket Confession internet online website, which is celebrating its ninth anniversary.  Yep, Your Plainsman went live on June 30, 2009, with none other than that Nice Young Michael Gruber as its first non-test commenter (although not on the first article, as I recall).  Hope to keep this joint going for awhile longer.  Thanks to all readers and those of you who take the time to comment.  Hope to meet some of you someday.

In Defense of that Nice Young Michael Gruber

Not that Michael needs any defense as a general proposition.  He remains a Ticket legend, his influence apparent on the station every day.

But, alas, The Ticket is having a great deal of fun -- every show, and the weekend shows, too -- at his expense.  I probably don't need to go into detail on what took place.  He called into Diamond Talk after the Yu Darvish trade and, as things turned out, didn't manage to complete a point that sounded like  .  .  .  an actual point.

BaD Reviews Michael's Diamond Talk Call

The consensus seems to be that sometime before placing that call, Michael had been overserved.

A firm hand at the controls.

I do not wish to be understood as suggesting that Michael was not pixilated.  It is at least possible.  Perhaps more than possible.  I hope he got home safely.

But I think he was calling to make an actual point.  To my ear he started to make that point but didn't get it out with enough detail to give Sean Bass something to hang his hat on.

I think his point was going to be -- at least this is what I "got" as his point before things went awry -- that Yu Darvish was ready to be traded, ready to go anywhere, ready to leave the Rangers for any team that would take him.  That Yu wanted to leave the Rangers.  I don't know if that was going to be his point had he gotten it out with a bit more detail, but that's where I thought he was going right from the start.

What happened, though, was that he did not get that thought out clearly, and Sean, who was trying to keep Michael on track, converted it into a technical question about Yu's no-trade list, which gave Michael two problems:  (1) he wasn't really calling to make a point about the no-trade list, which got him off-message, and (2) Sean's question required consideration of what resembled a double-negative, i.e., a team "not being on his no-trade list," which someone in Michael's condition was not prepared to process, and which led to the stumbles we're now hearing ad nauseum.

Let me stress that I do not blame Sean for Michael's aimless performance -- he was guessing at Michael's point, as I am.

But I do think that, nudged gently in a slightly different direction, Michael would have been on his way to making a legitimate Sports Point worth discussing, that being:  Yu's overall attitude about being a Texas Ranger at that point was that he didn't want to be.

Any takers?

"You leave Michael alone.  He makes more sense tight than most Ticket hosts do straight."

 (The site had a request for more Myrna Loy.  Always pleased to oblige.)  

Stay Hard, Donnie

No, Donovan Lewis isn't going anywhere to the best of my knowledge.

During the 5:30 segment this morning -- a woefully underheard segment in The Ticket Day -- The Musers bade farewell to Donnie The Overnight Board Op.

I was in the shower at the time.  They mentioned his last name but I couldn't hear it and I can't find it on the Internets, and I also missed their identification of his new job.  I don't even know if I'm spelling "Donnie" correctly.

He's been doing 10p-6a for the last five-and-a-half years, succeeding the late Joel Jenista and trained by Jake Kemp and the legendary Michael Gruber.

Would one of our Ticket Guy readers please drop a comment with correct information on this Ticket stalwart?

Although Gordon hailed him as "the nicest guy at The Ticket," my abiding memory of DTOBO is one day when he tore angrily into the studio about ready to disassemble Gordon for one or another transgression.  And indeed, Gordon's historical Gordonesque mistreatment of him was mentioned.  All seems now to be forgiven.

Unrelated to text of post.  Just a parting gift to Donnie.

In any event, best of luck to Donnie The Overnight Board Op in his new position.

Welcome to the daytime.

Comments to this site are moderated.  

Before posting, please read Rules of the Confessional.  

Thank you.

ThePlainsman1310@gmail.com 
@Plainsman1310 

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Seems Like a Good Day to Review My Unworkable Cowboys Proposal

Yesterday on the Musers when they did their Fabuloso Fan Feedback or whatever it's called, the first P1 email cited by Junior was a guy who said that someone should look to putting another team in Cool Metro.  This reminded me of my proposal of awhile back that earned absolutely no notice whatsoever, because, in all likelihood, it is completely impossible.  (As Junior said the P1's proposal is.)  Unless I can find some guys with crazy money.  I re-offer it today because as America's Team continues to slip irreversibly into becoming only Jerry's Team, everyone's got a solution.  So here's mine, again, from January 28, 2013.

*     *     *

The Time Has Come to Reveal My Far-Fetched but Deeply-Held Belief on Solving the Problem of Perpetual Cowboys Mediocrity; or, The Brontosaurus Theory

Confessors, with a title like that, I deem that you have been given fair warning that this is one of those blessedly rare Plainsman sportsy posts, wherein I demonstrate rather small knowledge about sports.  I suppose that's what comes of listening to The Ticket.

But, in honor of the entrepreneurial spirit embodied in Danny Balis (there's your Ticket connection for this post), let me ask you to put aside preconceived notions and use your imagination.  You can probably come up with some variations of what follows that may make more sense.

The conventional wisdom – and this view is held not only by me and many of you, but by an acquaintance of mine who might in fact be the No. 1 Cowboys fan in DFW, I kid you not – is that the Cowboys will not return to greatness as long as they are owned by Jerry Jones.  That the Cowboys will, in fact, get worse as his ego continues to eat away at judgment with the passing years.  Because Jerry Jones will not give up control as he struggles to cast off the shadow Jimmy and win a title for which he can claim principal credit.  And because Jerry Jones will not sell the Cowboys, their averageness-or-worse will soil that beastly stadium out there for years to come.

I grant that this is a very likely scenario.  But it is not the only possible scenario.  Let me toss out a few concepts.

Jerry Is a Very, Very Bad General Manager and Owner.  I won't spend much time on this, we all know it.  His latest machinations, castrating Jason Garrett, loading up the coaching staff with people he selects, is a recipe for failure.  It is widely accepted that 2013 is make-or-break for Garrett – but what earthly sense does it make to (1) reduce his responsibility for the offense and (2) stick him with personnel not of his choosing and then to increase his accountability?  I happen to think Garrett bears a large share of the blame for fielding offenses that apparently don't know the plays after two-plus years and that can't get them called before a half-second remains on the play clock.  Maybe Jerry has selected players of incorrigible stupidity, but more likely is that they're not prepared, or the plays require calls that are not appropriate for the hurly-burly of the gridiron, or Tony doesn't transmit the playcalls efficiently.  But if that's the way you as GM feel about the guy, fire him, don't play games for another season that do nothing more than establish the head coach's lack of authority and your own poor judgment, begging yet the further question:  What accomplished, self-respecting coach would play for the  meddlesome savant-wannabe caricature that is Jerry Jones? 

And he's a bad owner because he refuses to hire experienced professional football management, or listen to the people in his organization who fit that description.

Since we all pretty much believe that Jerry is incompetent, why do I even bother to mention it?  Because:

Jerry Jones Is So Incompetent, That in the Process of Manufacturing Year After Year of Mediocrity and Worse, Jerry Jones Is Also Managing to Embarrass Texas in General, and, in Particular, the Wealthy of Texas.   Jones is pathologically incapable of keeping his piehole zipped.  And in its unzipped state, it emits torrents of disconnected phrases, 180-degree contradictions within a single breath, and downright nonsense.  It would be tolerable and possibly even charming if he'd shown a molecule of talent for running a football team, but since he hasn't, he looks like the kind of Texan, especially the kind of rich Texan, that non-Texans like to sneer at – ignorant, arrogant, incoherent. (Although he was born in Los Angeles and raised in Arkansas.)  The kind who thinks it's classy to hang the world's biggest video screen in his stadium, so big it renders the live contest irrelevant, and to feature caged go-go dancers.  You can't tell me that his pals in whatever the Rich Guy Club is in these parts (um, I don't belong) don't cringe when they see his latest high-wire act before any nearby open mic and hear everyone, even media types who might be expected to curry his favor, shaking their heads in disbelief that this well-meaning but thoroughly deluded soul is helming the destruction of the most valuable sports franchise in the country. 

There Are Lots of Really, Really Rich People in Texas.  And when you put a few of them together, a billion here, a billion there, pretty soon you're talking about real money.  And maybe they'd rather people think of them more like J.R. Ewing, and not J.W. Jones.

Everything Has Its Price.

Including Jerry.

Ah, but you say, Jerry does not have his price.  His pride would never let him sell the team while it's down, before it does something really terrific, at least get to a Super Bowl if not win it.

I agree that Jerry will never accept market value for the team, however that may be measured (although every year there are organizations purporting to do it, including one that reported today).  

So the first step is for a bunch of these rich guys who have had enough losing and ridicule to get together and offer Jerry crazy money.  I don't know how crazy it would have to be to let Jerry claim that as his ultimate victory.  Maybe he wouldn't take it.  Maybe the crazy money would have to be so crazy that not even a consortium of the extremely wealthy would consider offering it.  I would, however, ask you to remember the difference between the price Nolan Ryan's group agreed to pay for the Rangers at the outset, and what they eventually paid after Mark Cuban got the bidding way up there.

Then what?

Creativity.

Find some way to let Jerry save face.  Make him Chairman Emeritus.  Name the stadium after him and pay him for the right to use his name.  A permanent suite at the stadium.  (With parking!)  Perhaps work something where he keeps the stadium or some piece of it.  There are all kinds of ways to compensate selling business owners.   Insist that they pay him personally millions not to take his incomparable football management skills to any other NFL team.   Give him a consulting deal and actually have meetings and let him have his say.

OK, let's say that none of this moves the old Razorback.  

There's always:

Leverage.

How do you get leverage over an ego?

Include Stephen and Jerry Jr. in the Consortium.  Is Stephen Jones the Prince Charles of DFW or what?  Waiting for His Majesty to abdicate or die.  Perhaps it would be meaningful to Jerry (in addition to the crazy money, let's not forget) to know that his beloved offspring would have some kind of management and ownership role, and that he'd still have his son's ear on matters Cowboys, even if he would have no authority.  I can imagine that the boys (!) would have some reluctance to show up with a group offering to buy the team – I'm sure they love and feel loyalty toward their Pop and might fear a family falling-out if appearing to want to oust him.  Still, there may be creative ways to involve them in a subtle and diplomatic approach that would not offend Jerry.

The Brontosaurus Theory.  But here's my gee-whiz solution, and I'm sure that there are NFL-savvy readers out there who will tell me that this could never, ever happen in a squillion years. 

But, like Anne Elk (John Cleese) who offers her theory on the brontosaurus on Episode 31 of Monty Python's Flying Circus, this is my theory, and it is mine, and belongs to me, and what it is, too.  The next thing you will read is my theory:

This rich-guy consortium goes to Jerry – again, with their crazy money, maybe really crazy in light of this (my) theory and the thinking they want to inspire in Jerry, and they say this: 

Jerry, we have crazy money for you.  You know as sure as you're sitting there that this is easily a 30% premium over the highest valuation that any so-called expert places on this team.  You take that and walk away and you can hold your head high, laughing at your critics, knowing that win or lose, you, by the sheer force of your personality and will and balls in getting that stadium built, and, yes, winning three Super Bowls, created immense, incredible value, made this the second most valuable franchise in the world, second only to Manchester United.  Incredible accomplishment, Jerry.

You take this crazy money, Jerry.  You take it.  We'll put your name on that stadium.  Take a look at this term sheet, there's a bunch of other goodies in there, and looky here, Jerry, we're going to give Stephen and Jerry Jr. the opportunity to invest at a very high level and give them significant management responsibility.  You can be Chairman Emeritus.  

Take this crazy money, Jerry, and all the rest, because if you don't take this crazy money, we're going to keep an appointment that we made some months ago with Roger Goodell to discuss with him our strong commitment to putting an NFL team in Fort Worth, Texas.  As you can see, it will be hugely well-financed, with a stadium – oh, Jerry, it will not be a stadium like yours – it will be a big stadium, for sure, but it will be one that people will love, a real Texas stadium, like Fort Worth is a real Texas city, like people love the Ballpark at Arlington.  It'll be right near downtown -- those city fathers know how to work with businessmen.   Maybe we'll swipe Jacksonville or some other lame franchise – maybe we'll argue for expansion.  And Roger Goodell will listen, because Texas is a football state, and DFW is a gigantic market with lots and lots of people who have given up their Cowboy season tickets and lost all faith in you, and because major and lesser markets have fielded two NFL teams at once:  New York, Bay Area.  Crazy money, Jerry. 

You think your fellow owners would never allow it?  Think again.  Crazy.   And when we get that franchise -- don't you doubt us, Jerry, you know who we are -- we are going to treat our fans like royalty and we're going to get the best football people in the country and we're going to have a fracking party every week over in crazy Fort Worth over this team we're going to put together, Jerry.  Ground floor fans who don't give a bag of dirt about what your franchise did 20 years ago.  And we'll grab your fans, we'll grab your concession dollars, we'll grab your capital appreciation, we'll grab all of it and we will keep grabbing.

Because that is how we got this crazy money in the first place.  

It won't be hard . Crazy money, Jerry.  We got it.  We can get more.  

Because we're winners.  

Sign here. 

*     *     *

A bit melodramatic, perhaps.  And with a number of strategic difficulties. But God, that was fun.

Here's my point – we shouldn't assume that no circumstances exist under which Jerry would consider selling the team.  You won't know until you try.  Until you try, and let it leak that you're trying.  And I'm serious about a Fort Worth team.

So here's the plan, Confessors.  Send the link to this post to all of your billionaire friends.  Let's see, do I know any billionaires, let me think  .  .  . 

More Questions for Knowledgeable Confessors

All right, we need to lighten up around here.   Let's have a spot of fun, eh?  Also, if we have some new Confessors from the incredible runup in visitors over the last week, a good way to get started with the site.

Quite awhile go I posted "Questions for Knowledgeable Confessors" and laid out some questions about station history and bits that I -- a listener only since 2004 -- was curious about.  We heard from our friends at The Ticket (Michael Gruber proved a fine historian) and got most if not all of them answered, and Confessors knew some answers.  Now, with many times the readers I had then, I'll bet we can get these answered, too.

I have a little list going, most of them mine, some of them from others.  I encourage you to ask your own questions in the comments about bits, phrases, inside gags, characters, performers, anything you've been wondering about.  Let's see if we can't all get up to speed with the many mysteries of the greatest radio station in the world.

Thanks in advance for helping out.  Here we go:

     (1)  What is the significance and humor value of "babyarm"?

     (2)  Who is Pete Stein, what did Mike and/or Greg do to him, and was it a dark moment in Hardline history?  Is that where the "3  .  .  .  2  .  .  .  aaaaannnd you're done" drop comes from?

     (3)  I think this drop was destroyed with the move to Victory, so maybe not worth answering.  There was a drop that was played when someone would make a cheesy joke, the drop was a rimshot with a guy hollering out something that sounded like "what about me".  Michael Gruber said that he was saying "from the northeast," an occasional reference in Gordon's characters, but after that explanation I listened to it closely and I can't pull those words out of it.   I say, this one's probably a dead letter.

     (4)   Here's one I had on the list but got an answer to just a few weeks ago: Where do Corby’s and Danny’s “doin’ the Greggo” clips come from in George D's Jaggeresque Community Quick Hits theme?  I believe the answer  is that some people thought that George was saying "everyone loves doin' the Greggo," and Corby and Danny recorded those clips to play over George's vocal.  

     (5)  What ad did George do that has his kids (I think they're his) cheering followed by George saying “Yeah, the kids like that"?

     (6)  I know what the “one ball” line is – wait, actually, I don't – but what does the name mean? 

     (7)  Who plays guitar on the Hardline theme song?

     (8)  What is the Teebox theme song with that marvelous gutbucket guitar?

     (9)  Where does that clip “Whiskey, all you want” come from, and has it been lost in the bungled move to Victory?

    (10)  For some reason, it sounds like Brent Spiner (in his guise as the inventor of Data) saying "it's time, buddy, it's time."  But I can't find any reference to it online, with or without Brent Spiner.  Where does it come from?

     (11)  Does The Ticket have any idea of the amount of its archives (drops, classic audio) lost or destroyed in the bungled move to Victory?  What exactly happened, anyway?  How could that possibly happen, giving the incredible ease in copying files and moving gigantic amounts of data these days?  

     (12)  What is that infectious country-swing pedal steel number they play under Ticket promos from time to time?  Just a canned snippet for radio stations, or part of a real song?  Love that.

    (13)  Does George Dunham (among other hosts) really not know how to pronounce Norm's last name, or is it a station bit?  I was going to write an indignant piece on this, but thought I'd better check on the possibility that it's a bit.  

Awright, everyone, get your questions ready -- and longtime P1s, JV, and Ticket stars, fill us in.  If you would prefer not to leave your answer in a comment  .  .  .

Email:  ThePlainsman1310@gmail.com

Twitter:  @Plainsman1310

I Wander Ticketstock

Notes from my Friday afternoon visit.  I wandered the floor for an hour or so, visited a few vendors, listened to some of The Hardline.  Thoroughly enjoyed myself.  Reviews have been excellent, and The Ticket should be congratulated.  In fact, let me start with this:

Kudos.  First, how about a hand for the CTO?  Sure, the thing is sponsored, and a lot of it is pretty sponsor-promotional, but it's a lot of work, a big time commitment for the whole station, very entertaining for the P1.   A real nice kiss for listeners, and when we smack the CTO around for one or another sin, let's remember cool stuff like this.  I'll have a further thought on this in conclusion.

Parking.  I could have sworn I heard hosts saying parking was free.  Five bucks to get into the garage.

General.  The floor was less crowded with stuff this year.  Seemed to me like there were fewer sponsors, but that may have been because the did not have the basketball court this year so the joint just had a more wide-open feel.

Shoop.  I put some geld into Michael Gruber's pocket by purchasing a SHOOPY t-shirt portraying him laboring lovingly over what appears to be a Les Paul Custom.  I asked the vendor whether Michael got a royalty for the use of his image and was pleased to hear that he does.

Ticket Guys Generally.  Passed by Gordon, Norm, and Craig out on the floor.  Norm and Gordon had destinations they were hurrying (in Norm's case, slowly) toward, but Craig was taking a stroll and chatting with attendees.  I considered introducing myself, but decided against it.  Everything for the bit, right?  Well, being The Plainsman is my bit, lame thought it may be.

A Confessor on the last thread wrote:  "It was an incredible night, I left the rest of the guys alone [Confessor had chatted with Grubes, Donovan, and Sean Bass]  but to anyone that says they are too big for the P1’s, they are just wrong. All of them walked around, shook hands, took pictures and spent time with their fans, it was a pleasure to watch. I really walked away thinking “we can do what they can do, but they can’t do what we can do.” And looking at my twitter tweet P1 time line, there were a lot of folks who had just as much fun. "  Second that with enthusiasm and could not have put it better.

Un.     While I did not beat down any Ticket guys, I did see some guys wearing UnTicket t-shirts at a booth advertising a way of recording streamed radio, and I asked if they were with that incomparable site.  Turns out they all were, and I was honored to meet DP and two of his invaluable henchmen (sorry, gents, I have forgotten your UT monikers) in assembling Ticket audio.  Great guys.  ap, alas, is stuck in The Great White North.

It's a pleasure to call your attention to their new venture, THINKIT MEDIA.  The are marketing their proprietary system under the uSave.it brand for recording streamed radio. (DP reports that they have some P1s using their system to record their favorite station.)   They also offer other services to businesses such as blog development ("ThinkIt Social) and increasing their profile in the online world.  I may give him a call.  You can read more about it here:  ThinkIt Media  I'm linking it to it on my "Ticket-Friendly Sites" if you ever need to find them.

I neglected to ask DP if he minded if I used his real name (obviously, I was star-struck by the three of them), so I'll keep that valuable information to myself.  However, he and his colleagues were kind enough to let me take their picture at their booth (DP is on the right):

And to top it off, I was deeply honored that they scrounged one of those snazzy UnTicket t-shirts for me.

Ticket Chicks.  Seems to me there were fewer Ticket Chicks abroad, and I did not see a photo area where us mere mortal P1 schlubs could get their picture taken with these lovelies, although I have no doubt that any of them wandering about would have accommodated a request for a quick snap.

T.   As last year, the testosterone clinics were there in force and doing a brisk business.   Apparently I appear to be down a couple of quarts, as I was approached a couple of times by young ladies who worriedly pressed brochures into my infirm grip.

Michael.  The Ticket acknowledged MJ's half-century with a statue.  

However, I couldn't help noticing that he was going to have trouble with this particular dunk, as the anchor for his Airness appeared to have had him stepping in a nasty wad of gum:

I Discover the Theme of Ticketstock.   Last year, I was puzzled by the Mardi Gras theme since it had not been advertised.  This year, it was a collegiate theme, which I realized when I purchased one of the long-sleeved shirts and observed that it had a large "U" in the background.

But with my keen reportorial instincts (which failed me when I didn't get the UnTicket guys' screennames), I ferreted out the true theme.  It was:

"Slanty Boards with a Hole in the Top End Into Which Attendees Were Invited to Attempt to Drain Square Bean Bags Slightly Larger Than the Hole."

(1) The Dallas Stars had the most elaborate set up -- this picture only portrays only two of the four slanty boards:

(2)  Top Golf:

(3)  FIOS:

(4)  Ticket #1:

(5)  Ticket #2/Budweiser, charmingly presented by two fetching Ticket Chicks:

(6)   Hooters had a more inviting variation on the slanty board/hole trope:

And I thought I had snaps of a couple more, but they do not seem to have survived.

Closing Thoughts.  All the Ticket events, but especially Ticketstock, remind us of what an extraordinary phenomenon The Ticket is.  Of course we're unhealthily, sometimes absurdly, obsessed with who's hosting, who's got next, the JV, the shows themselves, what goes on behind the scenes.  As I looked around the place with men and women having a great time, the Ticket guys enjoying themselves, the same phrase kept playing:  This is a club.  A private club that anyone can join just by tuning in.  And think how astonishing it is that it has been maintained for 20 years, and what kind of effort must be going into trying to figure out how to keep it going another 20.  I don't envy them that task.

I hope we're helping.

A big thanks to The Ticket, the CTO, the sponsors, and, of course, Grubes.  Michael, don't spend all my royalty contribution in one place.

*     *     *

Twitter:  @Plainsman1310

Email:  ThePlainsman1310@gmail.com

The Time Has Come to Reveal My Far-Fetched but Deeply-Held Belief on Solving the Problem of Perpetual Cowboys Mediocrity; or, The Brontosaurus Theory

Confessors, with a title like that, I deem that you have been given fair warning that this is one of those blessedly rare Plainsman sportsy posts, wherein I demonstrate rather small knowledge about sports.  I suppose that's what comes of listening to The Ticket.

But, in honor of the entrepreneurial spirit embodied in Danny Balis (there's your Ticket connection for this post), let me ask you to put aside preconceived notions and use your imagination.  You can probably come up with some variations of what follows that may make more sense.

The conventional wisdom – and this view is held not only by me and many of you, but by an acquaintance of mine who might in fact be the No. 1 Cowboys fan in DFW, I kid you not – is that the Cowboys will not return to greatness as long as they are owned by Jerry Jones.  That the Cowboys will, in fact, get worse as his ego continues to eat away at judgment with the passing years.  Because Jerry Jones will not give up control as he struggles to cast off the shadow Jimmy and win a title for which he can claim principal credit.  And because Jerry Jones will not sell the Cowboys, their averageness-or-worse will soil that beastly stadium out there for years to come.

I grant that this is a very likely scenario.  But it is not the only possible scenario.  Let me toss out a few concepts.

Jerry Is a Very, Very Bad General Manager and Owner.  I won't spend much time on this, we all know it.  His latest machinations, castrating Jason Garrett, loading up the coaching staff with people he selects, is a recipe for failure.  It is widely accepted that 2013 is make-or-break for Garrett – but what earthly sense does it make to (1) reduce his responsibility for the offense and (2) stick him with personnel not of his choosing and then to increase his accountability?  I happen to think Garrett bears a large share of the blame for fielding offenses that apparently don't know the plays after two-plus years and that can't get them called before a half-second remains on the play clock.  Maybe Jerry has selected players of incorrigible stupidity, but more likely is that they're not prepared, or the plays require calls that are not appropriate for the hurly-burly of the gridiron, or Tony doesn't transmit the playcalls efficiently.  But if that's the way you as GM feel about the guy, fire him, don't play games for another season that do nothing more than establish the head coach's lack of authority and your own poor judgment, begging yet the further question:  What accomplished, self-respecting coach would play for the  meddlesome savant-wannabe caricature that is Jerry Jones? 

And he's a bad owner because he refuses to hire experienced professional football management, or listen to the people in his organization who fit that description.

Since we all pretty much believe that Jerry is incompetent, why do I even bother to mention it?  Because:

Jerry Jones Is So Incompetent, That in the Process of Manufacturing Year After Year of Mediocrity and Worse, Jerry Jones Is Also Managing to Embarrass Texas in General, and, in Particular, the Wealthy of Texas.   Jones is pathologically incapable of keeping his piehole zipped.  And in its unzipped state, it emits torrents of disconnected phrases, 180-degree contradictions within a single breath, and downright nonsense.  It would be tolerable and possibly even charming if he'd shown a molecule of talent for running a football team, but since he hasn't, he looks like the kind of Texan, especially the kind of rich Texan, that non-Texans like to sneer at – ignorant, arrogant, incoherent. (Although he was born in Los Angeles and raised in Arkansas.)  The kind who thinks it's classy to hang the world's biggest video screen in his stadium, so big it renders the live contest irrelevant, and to feature caged go-go dancers.  You can't tell me that his pals in whatever the Rich Guy Club is in these parts (um, I don't belong) don't cringe when they see his latest high-wire act before any nearby open mic and hear everyone, even media types who might be expected to curry his favor, shaking their heads in disbelief that this well-meaning but thoroughly deluded soul is helming the destruction of the most valuable sports franchise in the country. 

There Are Lots of Really, Really Rich People in Texas.  And when you put a few of them together, a billion here, a billion there, pretty soon you're talking about real money.  And maybe they'd rather people think of them more like J.R. Ewing, and not J.W. Jones.

Everything Has Its Price.

Including Jerry.

Ah, but you say, Jerry does not have his price.  His pride would never let him sell the team while it's down, before it does something really terrific, at least get to a Super Bowl if not win it.

I agree that Jerry will never accept market value for the team, however that may be measured (although every year there are organizations purporting to do it, including one that reported today).  

So the first step is for a bunch of these rich guys who have had enough losing and ridicule to get together and offer Jerry crazy money.  I don't know how crazy it would have to be to let Jerry claim that as his ultimate victory.  Maybe he wouldn't take it.  Maybe the crazy money would have to be so crazy that not even a consortium of the extremely wealthy would consider offering it.  I would, however, ask you to remember the difference between the price Nolan Ryan's group agreed to pay for the Rangers at the outset, and what they eventually paid after Mark Cuban got the bidding way up there.

Then what?

Creativity.

Find some way to let Jerry save face.  Make him Chairman Emeritus.  Name the stadium after him and pay him for the right to use his name.  A permanent suite at the stadium.  (With parking!)  Perhaps work something where he keeps the stadium or some piece of it.  There are all kinds of ways to compensate selling business owners.   Insist that they pay him personally millions not to take his incomparable football management skills to any other NFL team.   Give him a consulting deal and actually have meetings and let him have his say.

OK, let's say that none of this moves the old razorback.  

There's always:

Leverage.

How do you get leverage over an ego?

Include Stephen and Jerry Jr. in the Consortium.  Is Stephen Jones the Prince Charles of DFW or what?  Waiting for His Majesty to abdicate or die.  Perhaps it would be meaningful to Jerry (in addition to the crazy money, let's not forget) to know that his beloved offspring would have some kind of management and ownership role, and that he'd still have his son's ear on matters Cowboys, even if he would have no authority.  I can imagine that the boys (!) would have some reluctance to show up with a group offering to buy the team – I'm sure they love and feel loyalty toward their Pop and might fear a family falling-out if appearing to want to oust him.  Still, there may be creative ways to involve them in a subtle and diplomatic approach that would not offend Jerry.

The Brontosaurus Theory.  But here's my gee-whiz solution, and I'm sure that there are NFL-savvy readers out there who will tell me that this could never, ever happen in a squillion years. 

But, like Anne Elk (John Cleese) who offers her theory on the brontosaurus on Episode 31 of Monty Python's Flying Circus, this is my theory, and it is mine, and belongs to me, and what it is, too.  The next thing you will read is my theory:

This rich-guy consortium goes to Jerry – again, with their crazy money, maybe really crazy in light of this (my) theory and the thinking they want to inspire in Jerry, and they say this: 

Jerry, we have crazy money for you.  You know as sure as you're sitting there that this is easily a 30% premium over the highest valuation that any so-called expert places on this team.  You take that and walk away and you can hold your head high, laughing at your critics, knowing that win or lose, you, by the sheer force of your personality and will and balls in getting that stadium built, and, yes, winning three Super Bowls, created immense, incredible value, made this the second most valuable franchise in the world, second only to Manchester United.  Incredible accomplishment, Jerry.

You take this crazy money, Jerry.  You take it.  We'll put your name on that stadium.  Take a look at this term sheet, there's a bunch of other goodies in there, and looky here, Jerry, we're going to give Stephen and Jerry Jr. the opportunity to invest at a very high level and give them significant management responsibility.  You can be Chairman Emeritus.  

Take this crazy money, Jerry, and all the rest, because if you don't take this crazy money, we're going to keep an appointment that we made some months ago with Roger Goodell to discuss with him our strong commitment to putting an NFL team in Fort Worth, Texas.  As you can see, it will be hugely well-financed, with a stadium – oh, Jerry, it will not be a stadium like yours – it will be a big stadium, for sure, but it will be one that people will love, a real Texas stadium, like Fort Worth is a real Texas city, like people love the Ballpark at Arlington.  It'll be right near downtown -- those city fathers know how to work with businessmen.   Maybe we'll swipe Jacksonville or some other lame franchise – maybe we'll argue for expansion.  And Roger Goodell will listen, because Texas is a football state, and DFW is a gigantic market with lots and lots of people who have given up their Cowboy season tickets and lost all faith in you, and because major and lesser markets have fielded two NFL teams at once:  New York, Bay Area.  Crazy money, Jer.  You think your fellow owners would never allow it?  Think again.  Crazy.   And when we get that franchise -- don't you doubt us, Jerry, you know who we are -- we are going to treat our fans like royalty and we're going to get the best football people in the country and we're going to have a fracking party every week over in crazy Fort Worth over this team we're going to put together, Jerry.  Ground floor fans who don't give a bag of dirt about what your franchise did 20 years ago.  And we'll grab your fans, we'll grab your concession dollars, we'll grab your capital appreciation, we'll grab all of it and we will keep grabbing because that is how we got this crazy money in the first place.  It won't be hard . Crazy money, Jerry.  We got it.  We can get more.  

Because we're winners.  

Sign here. 

*     *     *

A bit melodramatic, perhaps.  And with a number of strategic difficulties. But God, that was fun.

Here's my point – we shouldn't assume that no circumstances exist under which Jerry would consider selling the team.  You won't know until you try.  Until you try, and let it leak that you're trying.  And I'm serious about a Fort Worth team.

So here's the plan, Confessors.  Send the link to this post to all of your billionaire friends.  Let's see, do I know any billionaires, let me think  .  .  . 

Twitter:  @Plainsman1310

Email:  ThePlainsman1310@gmail.com

I Would Like to Congratulate Myself on My 500th Post

Thanks to all Confessors for making this site Your Source for Responsible Ticket Journalism.

Putting a few topics on the table today:

(1)  I was delighted to hear Michael Gruber interviewed on (I think it was) Cirque this weekend.  He was on a football junket to Pittsburgh with Norm and, I believe, Grubes père.  He said that leaving The Ticket was the worst mistake he ever made, and while he was kidding, he was only about 82% kidding, I thought.  The best news was that he's quit drinking and has been sober for the past couple of months.  Keep it up, Michael, and continued academic success.

(2)  Junior as a chick:  Admit it guys, we've all done worse.  All I could think of esd that I wished I had a lump of sugar for him.   If Sarah Jessica Parker can be a chick, so can Junior.

(3)  Was there any announcement of why Jake Z was not twiddlin'/tweakin' on The Hardline yesterday?

(4)  I thought surely someone would have taken new Saturday AM Tickerman Mitchell Kerasik (phonetic) gently aside and assisted him with correcting some of the more dramatic errors from his debut.  Apparently not.  I don't like criticizing new guys, trying to make their way in a tough business, but  .  .  .  shouldn't someone at least advise him that what he is doing is a Ticker and not a Ticket?   Truly hoping Mitchell shakes off his Ball-State start,  MTC is always in there rooting for the JV.

(5)  I didn't hear the whole thing, but I think George DiGianni was commenting on his recent bugouts on his mix with The TeeBox last Saturday.  I didn't hear the whole thing, but I think his point was that people can't tell the difference between his joking and his not-joking, so he was just going to cut the handoff short.  May have that wrong, but he was commenting on some of the recent attention he has received. 

And again, to each of you, except the more tiresome of the mope trolls, Thank You for Shopping at My Ticket Confession.

Twitter:  @Plainsman1310

Email:  ThePlainsman1310@gmail.com