A Tale of Two Showgrams

The past two days we heard the best and worst of The Hardline.

The showgram's coverage of the Ranger's bankruptcy announcement was amazing.  They had Chuck Greenberg on within hours -- great work by someone there, a producer, station management.  Possibly Greenberg's public relations people.  Doesn't matter.  And although I missed some of the broadcast, I thought I caught a bankruptcy expert on a little bit later on the same show (it might have been the end of Greenberg's interview, but it sounded like whoever it was was talking technicalities).  Great job, the interviews were good.  The Ticket and The Hardline at their best.

Then  .  .  .  yesterday.  You can't even call this a failed bit.  You could sense the train wreck coming from the second that Mike tried to introduce it.  They were going to be interviewing a bankruptcy lawyer, but Mike couldn't seem to read his name, and in any event he couldn't pronounce it.  Pronounced it several different ways -- Defoe, Dafore, Dayfoe.  Danny didn't know, either.  The next time Mike teased it, he got the guy's first name wrong and had to come back and correct it a little later.  Show prep, hmm.

Let's stop here for a minute.  Even before the interview, I'm thinking:  OK, what's happening here?  This isn't one of those lawyer "friends of The Ticket" who come on from time to time to offer informed commentary on specialized issues.  This is someone new.  Now, Ticket guys and Ticket management know lawyers.  In the first place, you can't avoid the damned things, and in she second place, The Ticket is a multimillion dollar business even apart from Cumulus, and those businesses usually have very capable lawyers clustered around them, although one would not expect The Ticket to be needing any insolvency counsel.  Mike and Corby probably had legal counsel the last time they signed Ticket contracts.  Is this a guy that someone at The Ticket invited to come on the showgram?  Was he recommended by one of Cumulus's corporate lawyers?  If so, you would think that the show prep would have included somebody knowing the guy's name and how to pronounce it.  And -- more importantly -- might have done a very brief pre-interview to see if the guy was ready for drive time.

But I had another thought, which may excuse The Hardline.  This lawyer might have been a gigantic P1 who called a producer or someone and begged to come on the show, claiming bankruptcy expertise.  (A professional can't buy any better advertising in this radio market.)   And The Hardline, being a generous and soft-hearted and definitely a P1-friendly bunch, said sure, we'd like to learn more about this bankruptcy caper.  Good idea.  So they wrote the guy's name down, and no one was quite sure how to pronounce it, and they slotted him in for a segment.  Had no idea what they were getting.  Poor Mike, underinformed, struggles through the teases.

Then the guy comes on, and he is an utter buster.  He sounded nervous.  His voice was radio-adverse.  He was unspeakably dull and slow (although knowledgeable enough).  Mike conducted the interview, and soon sounded like he would have preferred to be surrounded by a pack of consultants wearing Cubs paraphernalia.  I tried to imagine he and Corby and Danny and Grubes looking at each other, rolling their eyes, grabbing their throats, searching desperately for a way out of this segment which was in the process of single-handedly raising the drive-time ratings for 103.3 KESN by five points.  The guy droned on.  Mike manfully attempted to maintain interest.

Finally -- a new voice.  Corby.  He spoke very slowly, in an unaccustomedly low register, his voice dripping with contempt and disgust.  Well, sir, he said, this is a very technical area -- or words to that effect -- and then:  "but you've made it fun for us."   

At that point I pictured Danny and Grubes unable to contain their mirth, blowing bits of their earlier Taco Bueno repast out their noses and severing their optic nerves.  A perfect ending to a Three-Mile Island segment -- Corby going from delightfully abrasive, falling all the way through annoying asshole, and skidding to a stop at ungracious prick.  A very funny prick, but a prick nonetheless, and I'm a big Corby fan and defender.  An amazing performance:  this esteemed BK counselor had managed to focus a spotlight on everything that Confessors criticize about The Hardline and to undo their really superb work of the day before.

No one was saved.

The Musers could retire the E-Brake award on that segment.

God, I'd love to know the inside baseball on that one.

The Time Has Come to Speak of Syndication

Since I began this page I have offered many sound pieces of advice to Cumulus:  Give KTCK-FM the 93.3 signal; buy Michael Gruber some better equipment; work Mike Bacsik into The Hardline.  OK, two out of three.  Number 3 seemed like a good idea at the time.  The Hardline got better, Bacsik got drunk.  Who can predict these things?

Here's number four:  Give some serious thought to syndicating some of The Ticket original programming.  Below I'll offer some priceless advice on what's more likely to appeal to remote entertainment-starved 25-54 males.

I've been mulling over syndication for all or part of The Ticket for awhile.  My interest increased when I read that John Clay Wolfe was thinking of syndicating Greg Williams after they made a deal for Hammer to join the former's radio organization.  And the subject screamed for an article when Junior Miller advised the P1 Nation that The Ticket was the number one ranked station on Wunder Radio, the iPhone app that lets users listen to radio stations from around the world.  The BBC was ranked second.  I looked for those rankings online and couldn't find them.  If any Confessors know where they can be found I would appreciate the advice.

What does this tell us?  Well, it may tell us nothing more than that former Dallas residents are scattered far and wide and keep in touch with Wunder Radio.  Or it may tell us that lots and lots of Dallas listeners tune in via Wunder Radio. 

But enough to account for the number one ranking?  I think it is quite possible that it means that word of The Little One has spread beyond its meager signal and that listeners with no other connection to Dallas are tuning in.  And didn't I hear Bob Sturm tell us one day that KTCK segments are among the most popular downloads on iTunes, not number one but way up there in the rankings with world-renowned broadcasts?

More to the point -- as Michael Rhyner never tires of reminding us, It's Great to Listen to The Ticket.  It's an amazing broadcast property up and down the broadcast day.  Even if all those Wunder Radio guys and podcast downloaders are local, it's a heckuva thing for The Little One to be at or near the top of those rankings.  That means that it is, indeed, great to listen to The Ticket for reasons other than its spotty local sports coverage.  (My acquaintances who listen to other sports stations do so for exactly that reason -- more sports.)  That's my Confession -- I'd love to tinker with it as I report from time to time, but when all is said and done, it's pretty much an unalloyed pleasure.  And there is little reason to think that it would not find listener approval in lots of other markets.

I spent about five years in San Diego.  When I lived there, Jim Rome got his start a fill-in weekend host on XTRA 690, the Mexico-transmitter-based sports-talk station out there (actually, XETRA).   Then Rome got a midday show and The Jungle was born.  Then he moved to Los Angeles.  And then he was syndicated.  And now he's a big deal.  I am a Jim Rome radio fan and wonder when another sports talker here is going to sign him up.  He'd be formidable competition for BaD Radio.

(DIGRESSION:  XTRA 690  is the same station that featured the amazing Lee "Hacksaw" Hamilton. The Hardline makes vicious fun of him, and there's a lot to make fun of, but his afternoon drive show was an astonishing piece of broadcasting. If you can imagine Norm without the stats and gambling, but with all the enthusiasm and accompanying irascibility, and one of the greatest radio voices you will ever hear, you've got Hacksaw. His introduction in which he places "topics on the table" is a perfect encapsulation of the sports news of the day. And his play-by-play for the Chargers was on a par with Brad Sham. Really. [Hacksaw and the Chargers parted company some time ago.]   His show was very caller-driven, unlike The Ticket showgrams -- might not work here.  But man, the guy brought in the listeners.  The Ticket could do worse than bring Hacksaw out to do a nighttime show, just like they brought former enemy Norm into the fold.)

The point being that a local program can easily succeed in other markets if the quality is there.  And I think most Confessors would agree that The Ticket -- although in many ways unique in a local sort of way -- represents radio broadcasting of a very high order.

Let me hasten to add that I know approximately dick about syndication.  I have the notion, for which I have no support, that other than the cost of the sales effort, it would require almost no additional capital investment.  The production of the programs is already financed -- all you have to do is get the feed to the syndicatee, let it sell some commercials, and Cumulus watches the mail for the checks to come in.  I'm sure it's more complicated than that, but really -- what could it cost?  If you can get it on Wunder Radio, if you can get it online, you can provide it to KXXX Sports Radio 790 in Odessa.

So how would The Ticket fare in syndication?  A few thoughts.  (I told you I've been cooking this one for awhile.)

(1) Much of The Ticket's sports content is not local.  All of the shows highlight sports news of national interest.   I wouldn't want them to deemphasize their local sports coverage, but there would have to be some adjustments in content.  Frankly, expanding The Tickets list of topics couldn't hurt.  There's only so much you can say about a team at an particular time of the year.  

The non-sports local content is more of a problem.  (For example, Community Quick Hits, which Everybody Probably Wouldn't Love in San Antonio.)   But I don't think it's a big problem.  The broadcasting is inherently interesting, and it doesn't really matter that some of the topics relate to matters that are not taking place in the syndacatee's hometown. 

Besides, fart humor is universal.

(2) Syndication could start with Texas properties or possibly other Cumulus properties (which probably wouldn't be technically classified as syndication at all).  And they might start with syndication to North Texas stations whose listeners have an interest in the Dallas teams.  I have to believe that would be a low-risk proposition.  Syndicate to Amarillo; Longview/Tyler; and the like.  See how it goes.  Why wouldn't a struggling radio property outside of a major city (and believe me -- and as someone who has investigated purchasing radio stations, I know a little whereof I speak here -- they're all struggling) want to jettison the costs of producing some of a day's broadcasting but still get advertising revenue?

(3) You can syndicate to non-sports-talk stations.  You can imagine that a rural station might want to run local-interest stuff during the day, but would run sports-talk in the evening or sometime when men might tune in.  (Since The Ticket is not caller-intensive, a non-real-time broadcast isn't such a weakness.)

(4)  What, if any, of the Ticket is syndicatable?  (Syndacatable?)  My current view:

Musers:  Yes.
Norm:  Possibly, probably.
BaD Radio:  Probably not in its current configuration.
Hardline:  No

Let's focus on the anchor showgrams, The Musers and The Hardline.  Love Norm but it's a two-hour showgram and possibly not so attractive as a stand-alone.  But possibly worth offering as a package with The Musers.  BaD Radio I have some thoughts about that I'll save for another article.  Obviously a popular property, but not an immediately acquirable taste, in my view. 

I treasure The Hardline, but they would have to take show prep more seriously, and I assume that syndication requires a little more attention to things like, oh, I don't know, the clock?  And they would have to clean the show up considerably.  The casual profanity, misogyny, and sexual and excremental references would have to reined in if not eliminated.  I happen to think that the show would not be adversely affected by these changes, but it would unquestionably change its character in a way that DFW listeners might not like.

The Musers are a different story.  That showgram does seem to have a greater respect for show prep, and it has a smoother feel overall.  It is not as vulgar as The Hardline (again, I'd like to have a less vulgar Hardline, but I acknowledge that that's part of what makes it Hard, and I listen to it religiously), and it has a more conventional feel to it that would go down easier issuing from foreign transmitters.  It would be very liberating for Gordon, who would instantly have a reason to expand his repertoire of targets.  George and Junior are likable without a lot of learning time, and Gordon, when he's not wrecking the show, could be a breakout national talent. 

I acknowledge that The Ticket is a unique broadcast property.  It doesn't sound like much of anything else on the radio, even if you limit the universe to sports radio.  It might be a tough sell, although the Gentleness of The Gentle Musers seems to me to be tailor-made for a wider audience.  Throw Norm in, and program directors in East Jeebus could solve their morning problems.  If that worked, you see if Austin and Oklahoma City might have an interest.  From there, who knows?  Omaha?

And then you could buy Michael Gruber some better toys.

Satellite?

Those NPR Moments

I've had this one on my list for awhile.  I'd started a list of things on The Ticket, those few islands in the ocean of excellence that is The Little One where I just have to change the channel.  Since the boys have been reviewing their own "Ticket Krytonite" these days, I thought this might be a time to roll out this series.

(I don't always turn to NPR.  In fact, I don't like NPR all that much, but if I'm not going to listen to The Ticket I might as well get some news.  A fair amount of the time I'll flip to KNTU 88.1, the University of North Texas jazz station, or Little Steven's Underground Garage (Sirius 25) or one of the satellite jazz offerings or the Sinatra channel.  Seems odd that with my tastes I'd be listening to The Ticket instead of these joints -- but, as Mike R says, its great to listen  .  .  .  .)

There are several things that tend to make me wander off the dial, but I'll just hit one of them today that I was reminded of listening to The Musers yesterday: 

The Ticket hosts should never, ever, discuss serious current events.

Sure, everyone's entitled to his or her dumb opinion.  And heaven knows it's all over the radio.  But one of the reasons I like The Ticket is that the hosts give an impression of intelligence and knowledge.

This impression is seriously damaged when they talk politics or other more-or-less serious non-sports topics.  You know, stuff other than farting and conspicuously hot and non-hot women.  And this is the impression I get even when I agree with their viewpoint.  Yesterday, for example, Junior dreamed out loud of a day when someone would create a third party called -- hell, I forget, something like "the Centerist" party.  It just sounded puerile and dumb.  George sounds awful when he tries to defend his views, views that I agree with most of the time.  The one guy who seems like he might  read news articles all the way to the end is Gordon.  (Gordon is an interesting case in this regard, and I'm going to write about him sometime in the near future.) 

The Musers stray into this unfamiliar territory more frequently than the other shows, and I'm not entirely sure why.  Maybe because it's the morning, which is generally more news-intensive across the board.  By the time The Hardline rolls around, there's some fresh sports meat for consideration.  When The Hardline strays from sports its usually into show-biz or some pop-culture scandal or the like.  But when they do talk politics -- whew.

Anyway, there's one of my NPR Moments.  Yours?

Once Again, the Teebox Seems to Be Broadcasting from Pluto

On April 10, I made a note of particular horrible-sounding broadcast of The Teebox.  I don't mean the content was bad -- I mean the sound was atrocious.  A week or so later, even Danny made note of it on the handoff to The Orphanage.  RickArnett seemed very surprised that Danny had remarked on how bad the broadcast sounded.  So apparently he and Craig Rosengarden aren't aware of this.

I'm listening to it right now and I can't believe that The Ticket hasn't corrected this.  Other remotes don't sound like this.  This is not a signal-strength or reception problem -- this is a hardware problem.  Somewhere between the hosts' lips and the transmitter some foul and awful thing is happening to those soundwaves. 

I'm not sure how I can describe it.  It sounds like a digital broadcast where only about a third of the bits are coming out of the speaker.  A very rough sound, like these guys should be clearing their throats after every word.  Incredibly unappealing.  Other remotes don't sound this way.  I'm wondering if The Avid Golfer buys this time and uses non-Cumulus equipment. 

The Orphanage has just come on and it sounds fine.  Nope, something is rotten in the bowels of The Teebox's technology.  Someone should tell these guys.

Too bad.  It's a really nice show.  And I don't even play golf or particularly like anything about it.  But, like a lot of stuff on The Ticket, it holds your interest because of the skill of the hosts. 

A Nice Moment

It's always refreshing when the hosts take a moment to send out some props.  Yesterday, I believe it was, George took note of Ron Washington stepping up to take responsibility for the pitching moves that resulted in a Ranger loss.  He observed that other local head coaches seem never to acknowledge any responsibility for a loss.  While they're frequently correct, it cannot be the case that good game management leads to victories but game management coaching never leads to losses.  Washington stepped up, and even though the guy has become something of a punching bag -- and gets little credit when the team plays well for stretches -- George made note of Washington's concession.  Don't hear that a lot in sports-talk radio. 

Another reason why:  It's great to listen to The Ticket.

George Proves My Point

Yesterday I wrote about Jumior Miller's consummate skill as the larfing sidekick during the 8:40 bit.  Hard to seem sincerely amused -- which brings the listener in, keeps him listening -- without overdoing it.  Junior is the Picasso, yes, dare I say, the Norman Rockwell of this delicate art.

Yesterday he got some relief from his larfing chores because Gordon did the Snapper John M.D. bit solo, so George could carry some of the pretend-audience burden.

It was an OK bit, middle-of-the-road, predictable naughty anatomical-feature jokes, a peculiar choice of voice, but OK.

George seriously, seriously overlaughed, to the point where I actually began to question whether George has  a sense of humor.  He was practically breathless as he wheezed out peals of mirth. 

Of course, in comparison to the subtle master, Junior -- who was doubtless looking on disapprovingly as George chortled uncontrollably -- anything would have sounded contrived.

The Guy with the Hardest Job at The Ticket

No, it's not the grossly underpaid but highly talented guys like Michael Gruber, Danny Balis, and some of the other guys who put in astounding hours for low-five-figure revenues.

It's Craig "Junior" Miller.

Junior is blessed with high intelligence but cursed by not being a good mimic or comedy writer.  He is further cursed by sharing his program with two guys that are good mimics, and one of those (Gordon) is both an excellent and prolific writer, and the other (George) has unexpectedly good timing and even weaves some improv around what I expect are some fairly skeletal Gordon scripts.

When you have to come up with a couple of sketches per show, some will inevitably hit and others will miss.  I'm constantly impressed at how good this work is, and how consistent it is. 

But this is comedy that is played to one listener at a time, over the radio.  Comedy is impossible to perform convincingly without feedback. 

The feedback is Junior's gift.

He is charged with keeping these sketches going by reacting with laughter.  This must be incredibly difficult.  He has to provide enough audible yuks to bring the individual listener into the fun as a participant in the hugely dispersed audience, but not overlaugh and draw attention to himself, or sound like an idiot by exhibiting a degree of hilarity that is not justified by the yuk-value of the material.  And it has to sound sincere, not merely polite.  How often do you laugh out loud when sitting in your home alone watching a comedy on TV, or reading a humor piece?  Like, almost never?  And how often have you been buttonholed by someone telling you something they think is hilarious, and you feel compelled not to give offense by offering up a few ha-has?  And you feel that same dilemma -- show appreciation for the story, be nice to the speaker, but don't overdo it.

I have been listening carefully to Junior's laughing, and I do believe the man is a master.  Now the fact is that Gordon is a pretty good comedy writer both for bits and his newspaper column.  With all the material he terns out, there is going to be some repetition of motifs and the rhythms and style have become identifiable.  But it's still pretty good, and both he and George have become accomplished radio performers.  So it's not like it's a terrible burden for Junior to show amusement.  But it must be difficult to pitch it correctly gag after gag, bit after bit.  He starts out with a gentle chuckle, and as Gordon back-loads the better gags as his scripts careen toward the punch line, Junior's laughing increases in volume and rises in register and concludes with a hearty belly-laugh as the dial-tone clicks on. 

It is a performance in itself, and I think it's time he got some credit for it.

How . . . Great . . . Was It?

I heard most but not all of The Great Game.  Hoping one of  you Confessors will give us a report on what it looked like in 3-D.

I got the strong impression that this game wasn't a whole lot of fun for the participants.  There wasn't much horsing around.  Nothing that made it onto the radio, anyway.  Bad feelings from last year?   All of the gags used up in the prior games? 

Now let me say that broadcasts like this remind me of what a gift Norm Hitzges is to the metroplex.  The raw play-by-play sounded like a complete drag to be watching, but Norm worked very hard to make the thing entertaining.  After awhile I realized that there wasn't much going on on the field of much interest, and Norm was keeping the thing alive with Ralphie as best he could.

But the fact that Norm was the main attraction is the same as saying that the game sort of came and went, the guys went through the motions, Mike came out to argue once, and then it was over. 

The event seems like it should be a good time -- maybe a Confessor has some idea about how the thing could be livened up without destroying its essential baseball-y nature.  And, as I say, perhaps a first-hand report from one of y'all could bring a little perspective, for which I thank you in advance.

Wanna go Camping?

That's a punchline to a pretty good, but pretty dirty joke.  If you don't know it, let me know.

So what did we all think about the camping experience?

A couple of random observations.

First, it reminds us that listening to a drunken conversation is a lot funnier, and a lot more fun, when you are a drunken participant in it.   I'm sure we have all had the experience of being the only sober person when everyone around us is drunk.  (Haven't we?)  It can be fun, but it can also be vaguely discomfiting, as we are embarrassed over the behavior of people we know to be, in the usual case, honorable and civilized.  Interesting how being drunk makes one thinks certain utterances are howlingly funny, but when those utterances are received by unebriated ears, the only reaction is bafflement and embarassment. 

Second -- there seems to be a schizophrenic reaction at the station.  I had thought that the hosts who commented on it -- even Mike R -- were fairly positive about it.  But I was listening to the Orphanage/Rant Saturday morning -- or was it the Newbery/McClaren show, I forget -- where there was a report that the participants were lukewarm on the thing.

In general, I liked it.  I thought it was worthwhile, and pretty funny, and different, and it's interesting to hear the mix-and-match hosts coming in and out of the various programs.  Kind of an informal Wife Swap.  Even the drunken broadcasting was, a a minimum, something one doesn't hear often from any kind of public media.  Mavericks Radi 1310 was a mild disappointment to me, because I was not watching the game at the time and the commentary itself did not state what was going on.  So when the boys would start howling it was not possible for me to hook it up with what was happening on the court.  In general, I thought it was a success.

I do have one question:  Was it really the "Musers'" Woodfood Reserve Campout?  Or is that just what the Musers called it?  Woodford Reserve is associated with Corby.  No big deal, just interesting the little ways the Musers and Hardline guys try to one-up each other.  (BaD Radio never tries to one-up anyone.)
I can understand why they're doing the camping instead of the Compound where they trash some poor developer's house that he can't sell.  It's hard for a radio station to destroy an entire forest over two days.

Listening Too Hard

So I'm listening to this AT&T ad that runs all the time about the guy who can't buy a lionfish because it would eat the anglerfish, and he can't buy the anglerfish because it would eat the clownfish, and he can't buy a clownfish because, well, he doesn't want a clownfish.

That's stupid.

If he doesn't want a clownfish, then he doesn't have to worry about the anglerfish eating it.

So buy the damned anglerfish, dumbass.

And while you're at it, switch to Verizon.

A Couple of Final Thoughts on Mike Bacsik

I had speculated that Mike Bacsik was in trouble at the station even before his exclusion from The Great Game.  I didn't hear all of the hosts yesterday, but it appears that at least as far as his immediate colleagues are concerned, my impression may have been incorrect.  They uniformly sang his praises, said what a good guy he was.  That makes his exclusion from The Great Game puzzling -- hard to believe Junior has the juice to exclude a guy who was, overall, good for TGG last year -- but I'm prepared to believe it.

As Mike Rhyner suggested in yesterday's show, Ticket guys -- all of them -- aren't employed by a local family station where everyone can rally 'round a wounded colleague.  They're employed by Cumulus, a publicly-traded national company.  When an employee commits a horrific public gaffe like Bacsik did, there are two --actually, two-and-a-half -- major considerations:

(1)  Bottom Line.   Cumulus does not have a property in San Antonio, but it has plenty of properties in plenty of places that have plenty of Latino listeners.  And even if Latinos don't make up a significant portion of Cumulus listenership, if the story has legs (as it appears that it does), you can imagine that Latino activists would pressure Latino businesses to boycott Cumulus and yank their advertising.  Not a difficult choice to end this crisis before it starts.

(2)  Legal / Human Resources.  These aren't really two things, but maybe one-and-a-half.  The issue here isn't external, it's internal.  The law these days sometimes doesn't require any particularly awful single event to happen to an emloyee in order to impose liability on the employer.  The employer's tolerance of a hostile racial/sexual/you-name-it "environment" may be introduced into evidence.  So even though Bacsik didn't oppress anyone at Cumulus, if he weren't dealt with severely it could be brought up as evidence in a later discrimination case to show that Cumulus tolerates an atmosphere where racial slurs are no big deal.

So he had to go.

The "dirty Mexicans" remark was stupid enough, but let's not overlook the threat to bomb the NBA, which is equally stupid.  For reasons I don't need to explain.  It doesn't even matter if he "meant" either one of these remarks.  If this is what comes out when he's drunk, frankly, he's probably not what you want around a company whose business consists entirely of interacting with the public.

Sorry to see the man go -- Your Confessor had big plans for him.

This is Professional Radio Broadcast Management?

We all know that The Ticket is this astounding radio powerhouse.  Dominant in the ratings that matter.  Lousy signal, but obviously doing many, many things right.  So why, so often, does it seem like like it's managed like Chrysler?

It amuses us that The Little One is kind of a ramshackle construction, a bunch of guys just having a good time playing radio grabass, feuding, embracing, launching e-brakes in enormous numbers, generally doing the kind of things that a bunch of smart-but-not-smart-to-a-fault-except-Gordon regular guys would do if they were given a radio station to play with.  For the longest time I thought that was just an illusion, that the casualness was really a reflection of a very unique talent for making the difficult (interesting radio broadcasting) seem effortless.

But a couple of things are causing me to rethink this position.  On April 14 I wrote about The Amazing Ty Walker Final Four Screwup, where The Ticket had major boots on the ground in Atlanta and not a single host had the slightest awareness of it.  Rich Phillips claimed the producers knew about it via email, but the producers weren't talking.  So either no one likes Ty Walker, or there was a complete failure of communicaton.

And then, yesterday, Corby and Mike show up for a remote at American Airlines Center, only to find that it had been cancelled.  No engineers, no nothing, just Corby and Mike phoning in their location to Sturm/McDowell/Lewis.  (By the way, Corby handled that exceptionally well -- he was very funny on the phone.)   The only insight we had on this was that Rich Phillips had told the engineers the remote was off because of the late start of the game.  Corby amusingly suggested that perhaps the show hosts should have been let in on this. 

Rich was not on hand to defend himself.  If he had been there and inclined to disclose what had gone on behind the scene, I suspect he would have said (1) yeah, I mentioned it to the engineers but the show hosts don't report to me and it was someone else's job to give them their broadcast assignments, or (2) I did tell the show hosts, via email, but they don't read their emails carefully. 

Now I'm sure it's the case that remotes are somewhat dicey propositions to begin with, complicated to pull off successfully every time, getting everyone to the right place at the right time, and The Ticket does gobs of remotes.   (Although by this time, you'd think they'd have the remote tech and setup down pat, but there are still many technical glitches with remotes.)  

But, as with the Ty Walker episode, it does seem as though people who need to talk to one another at The Little One just don't do so.  

And what do these episodes have in common?  The Ticket's Own Man of Mystery.  Also observed here.  A broadcaster I admire quite a lot, but there's something up with him at the station that I expect we'll hear about by and by.

I Kinda Guessed Right About Bacsik's Position at The Little One

A few days ago I couldn't figure out why Mike Bacsik had been banned from The Great Game.  Yeah, he left his team's dugout to pitch for the other team last year, but that didn't seem as though it should have been a disqualifying transgression.  So I wondered whether there weren't something else going on with Bacsik at the station.

Yeah, well, I don't know about his behavior at the station, but apparently a pretty strong streak of jerkitude was revealed over the weekend in some extremely ill-advised Twitter transmissions.  He wasn't on with Norm yesterday.

So maybe there is something else going on with Bacsik, and maybe it's that he's not all that good a guy.

A Handful of Draft Quick Hits

(1)  Say what you want about Cumulus, they pull out the stops when it comes to the draft and the result is some entertaining, informative broadcasting.  I don't know much about college football and frankly don't care much about it, but the show holds my attention. 

(2)  Norm is the acknowledged expert, but my ears perk up when I hear the resonant murmur of Bob Sturm.  Don't let the guy anywhere near an interview, but even his occasional asides are worth listening to.  The more I hear of the guy and read his blog, the more admire his real sports savvy. 

(3)  It is disconcerting to hear Mike Rhyner as the yuck-monkey.  I always like hearing his voice, but I'm not entirely sure what he's doing there.  I'm not sure he knows, either.  Throws in a gag or a non-specific observation here and there.  I'm not being critical -- I'm just saying that when he's not running a show doing what he's good at doing, it's faintly discomfiting to hear him just there without a role. 

(4) Junior Miller, along with Sturm the most astute sports mind on the station, delivered a scorching SO this morning, predicting that Dez Bryant would be as productive as Randy Moss over his career.  One of the things I admire about Junior is that he is not one of these guys that is more interested in not being wrong than in the possibility of being spectacularly right.  That attitude makes America great.

(5) I'm still somewhat puzzled by Todd Archer.  After a promising start on The Ranch Report, I didn't think he rose to the occasion, as I suggested here and here.  Again, he's an agreeable radio presence, but what more does he bring?  In his defense, I think he was doing a live instant Q&A online during the draft last night, which was surely distracting.

Did Gordon Do That Incredibly Dumb Clarence Murphy Thing on the Corner Yesterday Just to Work in a "Moby Dick" Reference?

That is, "call me Ishmael"?

Gordon Only Wrecked Yesterday's Show a Little Bit, and Today He's Hardly Wrecking It at All

Junior is off at the Boston Marathon.  I thought they should have had Mike Bacsik sitting in for him and had a Delicious Irony show, but instead Mike Doocy sat in.

Last time Doocy was on the show, as I complained in a prior article, Gordon uttrely ruined the show with his nonstop baiting of Doocy.  I turned it off and kept it off.

Yesterday, Doocy was on again.  I turned the show on and I heard all three of them talking at once, the same old repetitive baiting with the same old gay/drug/criminal-activity witless crap.  I reached for the switch but the bit (if that is what it was -- its incomprehensibility made it hard to tell) stopped, and the show was mostly tolerable for the remainder.

Junior is recuperating today, and Doocy is on again.  Hardly any baiting.  Much better.

ALERT:  I spoke too soon.  Listening right now to Muse/News, and Gordon is every other item into a Doocy tease.  At one point, he reads a headline about HiV and simply says "Doocy" -- no associated gag, just a reflexive attempt to associate Doocy with something disreputable. 

Please don't make me listen to NPR or a show with people actually talking about sports.  Someone please get the OverGordon under control. 

I'll end on a positive note:  Gordon is a genius.  OverGordon is a flogging beyond enduring.

Junior Blackballed Bacsik

I caught the beginning of the Bacsik/Newberry showgram today.

Mike confirmed that Junior vetoed his participation in The Great Game this year.  Guess he'll be calling the game with Norm.

Junior is one of my favorites so it pains me to think that he was responsible for what seems to me rather smallish behavior.  Now, I'll admit that Bacsik's departure from the dugout as coach of [Sponsor] Team Musers to pitch for [Sponsor] Team Hardline was an unorthodox strategy.  But apparently everyone but Junior thought the game was being played for yuks.  You know, like for the fans.  Who expect the wacky and wheels-off from The Little One.  Who in that stadium didn't want to see Mike pitch to Rusty Greer?

So:  Since Junior's attitude seems so out of character for something so minor (and, I would argue, positive for the fans), I am inspired to wonder if there isn't something else going on with Bacsik at The Little One.

Has Bacsik's Name Even Come Up In Connection with The Great Game?

This is a serious question.  I didn't hear the entire draft and I didn't hear the Musers' entire conversation about the draft this morning.  At no time did I hear Mike Bacsik's name even mentioned.  Did anyone bring up his participation (or non-participation)?

It would be understandable if they excluded him as a former professional major league pitcher, even though he coached a team last year and (notoriously) entered the game to pitch on behalf of the other team.

Junior, of course, was genuinely hot about this.  He probably wasn't the only one.

But even if there was some decision to exclude this ringer of all ringers from the draft, you would think that they would at least say something about it.    Did anyone mention his situation at any time?

If not  .  .  .  then I wonder if Bacsik is persona non grata at the station for some other reason.  Which would be too bad, I think.

Ty Wal-KAH!!

We listeners and Confessors listen to the shows, and we get to know these guys, and we speculate about them, and what goes on at the station, and who's a nice guy in private and who's a jackass.  And which guys don't like which other guys, and why.  Well, maybe not all of us, but I do.

I'm a little late with this item, but I wanted to think about it.  This Ty-Walker-at-the-Final-Four thing is absolutely fascinating.  The story was featured on both The Musers and The Hardline.  (If BaD Radio or Norm dealt with it, would one of you who heard it leave a comment?  My thanks.)   I'm sure I don't have all the details correct, but Westwood One needed a stringer to do some reports from the Final Four for some local stations.  Someone else there -- Sean Bass, maybe -- declined the assignment, byt Ty Walker took it.  Expenses paid, went to the game, got to pet the bulldog, hit a couple bars, and gave a couple of reports for an Atlanta station, maybe on the air for a few minutes total.  Something like that.

And not a single report from him on any of the Ticket showgrams.

Both Ty and Assistant Program Director Rich Phillips insisted that all of the producers had received an email that Ty was on this assignment.

Here's what I found most interesting:  The Musers did not question Fernando, and The Hardline did not question Danny -- at least not on the air.  Neither did either of them jump in and say hey, I never got any email about this.  So I assume that Rich and Ty are correct that the producers got the email.  The hosts, to a man, denied that they knew anything about it.  I believe them too.

So what we have here are the producers being aware that Ty Walker was going to be going to the Final Four, hosts wondering where the heck Ty Walker had gone, and nobody saying anything to anyone.  Ty Walker didn't tell any hosts; Rich Phillips didn't tell any hosts; no hosts undertook to find out where Ty Walker was during the Final Four; Rich Phillips' supervisor(s) didn't communicate to any hosts. 

It is hard to avoid the conclusion that somewhere along the line, someone did not want to give Ty Walker a platform to broadcast a report on The Little One from the Final Four.

So -- is the hard time that The Hardline gives Ty Walker not just a bit?  (Danny:  "Stay out of this, Ty!"  Gordon:  "Wanna switch your mic off there, buddy?") 

Is Ty Walker persona non grata across a wide swath of The Ticket?  If so, why is he still employed there?  If not, why didn't a single soul, not one, undertake to enlist his services while The Ticket had boots on the ground at the Final Four?

It is interesting that the hosts chose to shine a light on this apparent station snafu.  Which suggests that maybe Ty's OK with them, but not OK with the next tier in production.

We listen to Ty, and he seems OK.  We know he's young, large, reputedly without woman, and a Star Wars fan.  Does a very nice job with the Tickers.  Ocasionally steps in to provide internet-provided answers to pressing showtime questions. 

So he doesn't seem like someone you wouldn't want to hear from the Final Four.

Which suggests that there's something else going on, and consider:  It may have absolutely nothing to do with Ty.  In fact, I'm guessing that it doesn't.  It may be that inter-level communications -- and we have at least four levels here:  Cat/Rich; hosts; producers; and Ticker guys -- are not what they should be.

And it could be that these guys get too much email, and they're not exactly the types to sit in an office looking at email all day, especially email from management with "Ty Walker" in the subject line.

Can any Confessor shed any light on this fascinating episode?

The TeeBox Sounds Absolutely Terrible This Morning

The first radio program in history where the hosts gargle their entire conversation.

Of all the lousy audio we hear from remotes, nothing approaches the lousiness of this one. 

I'm not even sure how it is possible to make a broadcast sound like this.  It's not overdriven mics; it's not a phone line; it sounds like there's dirt in the cables.

George DeJohn was his usual resonant self, but during the handoff it sounded like NASA having a conversation with someone on the moon.

Time to Send the Bear-Trap Contest Back for Retooling

I know it's just a dumb segment, but the damned thing at least has to have the courage of its convictions.  I think this is my fourth article on how Gordon is screwing up a perfectly good concept with obvious frauds and anecdotes which aren't even bear traps.

There was another one this morning, and Junior even voted for it:  The guy who was going on a hot date and goes to his date's fancy mansion to pick her up.  He is waiting awkwardly with her family and decides he needs to demonstrate his erudition (since he is from the other side of the tracks) by asking if they knew the definition of a word he had just learned from listening to "The Newlywed Game."  The word was "masticate," but -- would you believe it -- instead, he says "masturbate"! 

OK, let's think about this for a minute.  I could complain that this was obviously made up, because (1) hot busty high school chicks who are wealthy tend not to go out with low-lifes like this guy claimed to be, but that at least, could happen.  But (2), in the history of awkward first meetings with parents, has a kid ever, ever asked these total strangers if they knew the meaning of an unfamiliar word as a way to break the ice?  But let's put these credibilty problems aside.

The real problem here is that this is not a bear trap.  This was a mistake.  The guy did not say what he intended to say, which is a minimum requirement for a bear trap.  If the bear trap is expanded to include "stupid verbal errors which cause embarrassment," well, then, you've lost the bear-trap's entire reason for being.

Rich the Suit

I'm a little behind on my topics here, sorry.  This one's been tickling me lately.

On the Muser showgram on Tuesday, March 23, the gentlemen were reminiscing about talking about taking one's check into an actual bank to deposit.  Someone mentioned that perhaps they would do that someday, when Rich said:   “We don’t allow that anymore.”

Rich is an assistant program director.  I don't know what assistant program directors do.  Come to think of it, I don't know what a non-assistant program director does at a station like The Ticket.  Answers email from irate listeners, I guess.  I've lived here for seven years and other than post-7 PM and 10 AM on Saturdays, I don't recall any program showing the result of any direction other heading in the same one they were heading seven years ago.  

Maybe the PD rides herd on questionable on-air content and noodges the shows in one direction or another, or asks that a particular demo get a little more love on the air.  Which means the assistant program director probably carries some of his water on that subject as well.

I have come to admire Rich Phillips's on-air work, as I reported here.  But I sense that there are some verrrry spicy dynamics going on there.  Nothing I can put my finger on. 

But when I heard that "we" back on March 23, I thought I felt the organisms in that studio stiffen just a little.

Probably just my imagination.

Apologies for the Comment Spam Invasion

This site has recently been attacked by a spammer who leaves incomprehensible lists of prescription medicines.  I used to delete them but am close to giving up.  I looked for remedies on the Internet, but the explanations of how to implement them are couched in the usual expert patois well beyond my capabilities to follow.

If anyone has any suggestions for a set of instructions that normal liberal-arts major white guys could follow to try to fight (or at least reduce, this plague) I'd be delighted to hear them.

In the meantime, thanks for your patience, and keep Confessing.

Another Grave Misuse of the Bear-Trap Contest

I've complained in the past that Gordon has reported Bear-Trap stories that were, to my ear, obviously fake.  A couple of them have won.

Today, they introduced another flaw in the process.  They chose as a winner someone who claimed to be a surgeon, one "Blade," who had made a coarse remark to a pregnant woman in the operating room who, it turned out, had suffered a miscarriage some weeks before.  He submitted another instance of whether he berated some colleague in the operating room with the witty "Are you gay, or what?" line, the object of these remarks, of course, being gay.

The problem is not that these stories don't sound real.  The problem is that Blade the Surgeon isn't a bear-trap victim -- he's just a jackass.  Bear-Trap winners must have about them a certain degree of unsuspecting innocence, but Blade the Surgeon is (and, is apparently proud to be) a serial vulgarian.  You can't be a Bear-Trap winner if it is your habit to speak disrespectfully and insultingly.

Hey, this is critical stuff. 

The Ticket Is More or Less Off the Air This Morning

I noticed it driving through Plano early this morning.  104.1 FM was gradually dying, succumbing to the superior power and/or atmospherics of that East Texas talker.  It is now completely off the air.  The 1310 AM signal is all but unintelligible in parts of downtown. 

The top-rated station for the most desirable demographic and it's unhearable in the heart of its listening area.  This has been going on so long that technology can no longer be blamed.  It is sheer upper-level management incompetence.

What would happen if, next time contract renewal comes around, Mike Rhyner or Junior Miller or George Dunham said:  I'll sign up for another few years, but I want a clause in there that if that signal doesn't improve to such-and-such a level -- and these things can be quantified --  by such-and-such a date, I can leave the station with $XXX,000 in severance and no noncompete.

The Copenhagen Room Found -- With Mike's Flashlight

Your Plainsman is nothing if not indefatigable in search of obscure of the etymology of Ticket references.  Unfortunately, I fear that this will expose me as the least-hip P1 in the Nation.

And, as I say in the following article (posted earlier tonight), many of y'all may already know where Michael Rhyner's reference to "The Copenhagen Room" in his introduction to E-News comes from.  I didn't.

As always seems to happen, the flashlight gave it away.

So -- Mike introduces E-News by saying "Whaddya say we get a little flashlight goin' here?"  And the undermusic is "Flash Light" by Parliament (next article).

And you take that clue and do a little Googling, and you come up with an essay by Wayne Ewing, a producer who was going to make a movie with Hunter Thompson about his stint as a "night manager" for the tragic San Francisco porn kings Jim and Artie Mitchell, who produced "Behind the Green Door" and many other features, and ran the notorious O'Farrell Theater.   Here is an excerpt from his article:

"Hunter insisted that Deborah and I take the full tour of what he called “the Carnegie Hall of public sex in America.” On the first floor were three venues – the New York Stage where one girl would dance while others gave lap dances to the audience, the Copenhagen Room where patrons sat around the perimeter with flashlights and girls performed in the middle or on your lap, and the Ultra Room, a room with private cubicles from which you watched while the girls did each other in the box and you fed them tips through slots in the glass.

"'Be careful not to touch the walls,' one girl thoughtfully warned Deborah with whom I shared a cubicle."

You can read the whole article here.
 

Founders of The Copenhagen Room, Jim and Artie Mitchell

Jim would later shoot Artie to death.  Brothers Emlio Estevez and  

Charlie Sheen would later portray them in "Rated X."

 
So there you have it.  Get a little flashlight goin' and step into the Copenhagen Room.  I had always pictured Mike as an usher in a red blazer and black slacks with a flashlight to show you to your seat in a night-clubby kind of place.  Nope -- turns out the patrons are the ones who needed the flashlights.
 
The Hardline, bringing a little class to the culture-starved P1 Nation.

KNTU 88.1 FM Pays Homage to The Ticket -- I Think

Your Plainsman was doing some personal financial work around 8:45 tonight and had "North Texas Jukebox" turned down low. It's the Sunday night show on 88.1 FM KNTU, the University of North Texas college station, where one can go online and request any song of any kind. I thought I caught a hint of something I recognized. I turned it up, and sure enough – it was that goofy song that The Hardline plays under E-News. I always wondered what that song was; now I know, because the DJ identified it when it was done playing: it's "Flash Light" by Parliament.  I suspect that every Ticket listener except me already knew this, as it seems to have been a hit, and has made numerous appearances in movies and TV shows.

If that weren't cool enough, when the DJ was ready to move on to the next request, he said that he was "leaving the Copenhagen Room."

I wasn't sure that was a Ticket reference. But since I can't find anything on the Internet linking that song and the Copenhagen Room – whatever that is – I can only assume that the DJ was paying tribute to The Hardline.

By the way – if anyone out there knows the significance of the Copenhagen Room and can enlighten someone who has only been listening since 2004, I'd be grateful for the information.

That Musers' Deep Throat Informant and "Poltergeist" Medium -- Separated at Birth?

I've noted this before, but thought I'd re-run it since the Musers' Deep Throat Informant reported on his/her presence at the Ron Washington cocaine ingestion episode.

The Deep Throat Informant sounds almost exactly like the tiny “Poltergeist” ghost hunter that visited Craig T. Nelson and JoBeth Williams as they attempted to rescue Heather O'Rourke from  .  .  .  well from the poltergeist.  The actress, Zelda Rubinstein, died earlier this year.

Check it out and see if you think Gordon got any inspiration here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_nLiys-TqY

Corby Issues the Line of the Year (So Far)

On Tuesday, Corby let loose with a sentence so perfect, so hilarious, that its slight vulgarity may be completely excused. The gents were discussing “Dancing with the Stars,” and Corby had called to Mike’s attention that Mike’s reputed lust-destination Pamela Anderson was among the contestants. Mike grunted dismissively, Corby and Danny abused him roundly for his faithlessness, and then Corby said, deliberately and with great conviction:

“You cannot turn your back on the ass of yesterday.”

The way he said it, with such utter gravity and sincerity, it would not have sounded out of place in the Gettysburg Address. His remark passed without comment, because the next thing he said was what he imagined Reggie Bush said to Kim Kardashian upon his departure, which was also amusing, and which got marked, but which I cannot recall verbatim. You’ll hear it again, Confessors, in fully-mastered drop form, of that you may be certain.

But I ask you to consider the perfection of Corby’s locution. It would not have been as funny if Corby had said:

       "You can’t turn your back on the ass of yesterday”

Or:

       “You cannot turn your back on yesterday’s ass”

Or:

       “You can’t turn your back on yesterday’s ass.”

No, by omitting contractions and using the construction “ass of yesterday,” he made it worthy of Bartlett's Familiar Quotations. It even makes a good poem:

       You cannot
       Turn your back
       On the ass of yesterday.

Now there’s a drop for you.

A Perfect Thing About The Hardline

There are many quite superb things about The Hardline, of course, but there is one thing that is absolutely perfect.  One thing that should never, ever be changed.  One thing that represents the ideal marriage of performance, design, architecture, engineering, construction, and feng shui.  What is this paragon of that which cannot be improved?

Insulation.

Because The Hardline custom studios are possessed of exactly that combination of soundproofing, fiberglass wall stuffing, glass, sheetrock, wall posters, and discarded I Fratelli pizza boxes so arranged that when something amusing takes place, during those moments of precious on-air silence, originating in some distant room, pitched at a decibel level that could not be any more perfect if Glyn Johns were twiddlin' and tweakin', one can detect, just barely, the irresistible chortling of Michael Gruber.

There is no jollier sound in the universe than Grubes's throaty larfing, but it would not be nearly so jolly if it were one VU meter tick one way or the other.  Bleeding through the exquisitely-composed walls of The Hardline custom studio, it's one of those sounds, like a bull's-eye fart drop, that one cannot hear without laughing. Absolutely. Dead. Solid. Perfect.