Monday, January 28, 2013

The Time Has Come to Reveal My Far-Fetched but Deeply-Held Belief on Solving the Problem of Perpetual Cowboys Mediocrity; or, The Brontosaurus Theory

Confessors, with a title like that, I deem that you have been given fair warning that this is one of those blessedly rare Plainsman sportsy posts, wherein I demonstrate rather small knowledge about sports.  I suppose that's what comes of listening to The Ticket.
But, in honor of the entrepreneurial spirit embodied in Danny Balis (there's your Ticket connection for this post), let me ask you to put aside preconceived notions and use your imagination.  You can probably come up with some variations of what follows that may make more sense.
The conventional wisdom – and this view is held not only by me and many of you, but by an acquaintance of mine who might in fact be the No. 1 Cowboys fan in DFW, I kid you not – is that the Cowboys will not return to greatness as long as they are owned by Jerry Jones.  That the Cowboys will, in fact, get worse as his ego continues to eat away at judgment with the passing years.  Because Jerry Jones will not give up control as he struggles to cast off the shadow Jimmy and win a title for which he can claim principal credit.  And because Jerry Jones will not sell the Cowboys, their averageness-or-worse will soil that beastly stadium out there for years to come.
I grant that this is a very likely scenario.  But it is not the only possible scenario.  Let me toss out a few concepts.
Jerry Is a Very, Very Bad General Manager and Owner.  I won't spend much time on this, we all know it.  His latest machinations, castrating Jason Garrett, loading up the coaching staff with people he selects, is a recipe for failure.  It is widely accepted that 2013 is make-or-break for Garrett – but what earthly sense does it make to (1) reduce his responsibility for the offense and (2) stick him with personnel not of his choosing and then to increase his accountability?  I happen to think Garrett bears a large share of the blame for fielding offenses that apparently don't know the plays after two-plus years and that can't get them called before a half-second remains on the play clock.  Maybe Jerry has selected players of incorrigible stupidity, but more likely is that they're not prepared, or the plays require calls that are not appropriate for the hurly-burly of the gridiron, or Tony doesn't transmit the playcalls efficiently.  But if that's the way you as GM feel about the guy, fire him, don't play games for another season that do nothing more than establish the head coach's lack of authority and your own poor judgment, begging yet the further question:  What accomplished, self-respecting coach would play for the  meddlesome savant-wannabe caricature that is Jerry Jones? 
And he's a bad owner because he refuses to hire experienced professional football management, or listen to the people in his organization who fit that description.
Since we all pretty much believe that Jerry is incompetent, why do I even bother to mention it?  Because:
Jerry Jones Is So Incompetent, That in the Process of Manufacturing Year After Year of Mediocrity and Worse, Jerry Jones Is Also Managing to Embarrass Texas in General, and, in Particular, the Wealthy of Texas.   Jones is pathologically incapable of keeping his piehole zipped.  And in its unzipped state, it emits torrents of disconnected phrases, 180-degree contradictions within a single breath, and downright nonsense.  It would be tolerable and possibly even charming if he'd shown a molecule of talent for running a football team, but since he hasn't, he looks like the kind of Texan, especially the kind of rich Texan, that non-Texans like to sneer at – ignorant, arrogant, incoherent. (Although he was born in Los Angeles and raised in Arkansas.)  The kind who thinks it's classy to hang the world's biggest video screen in his stadium, so big it renders the live contest irrelevant, and to feature caged go-go dancers.  You can't tell me that his pals in whatever the Rich Guy Club is in these parts (um, I don't belong) don't cringe when they see his latest high-wire act before any nearby open mic and hear everyone, even media types who might be expected to curry his favor, shaking their heads in disbelief that this well-meaning but thoroughly deluded soul is helming the destruction of the most valuable sports franchise in the country. 
There Are Lots of Really, Really Rich People in Texas.  And when you put a few of them together, a billion here, a billion there, pretty soon you're talking about real money.  And maybe they'd rather people think of them more like J.R. Ewing, and not J.W. Jones.
Everything Has Its Price.
Including Jerry.
Ah, but you say, Jerry does not have his price.  His pride would never let him sell the team while it's down, before it does something really terrific, at least get to a Super Bowl if not win it.
I agree that Jerry will never accept market value for the team, however that may be measured (although every year there are organizations purporting to do it, including one that reported today).  
So the first step is for a bunch of these rich guys who have had enough losing and ridicule to get together and offer Jerry crazy money.  I don't know how crazy it would have to be to let Jerry claim that as his ultimate victory.  Maybe he wouldn't take it.  Maybe the crazy money would have to be so crazy that not even a consortium of the extremely wealthy would consider offering it.  I would, however, ask you to remember the difference between the price Nolan Ryan's group agreed to pay for the Rangers at the outset, and what they eventually paid after Mark Cuban got the bidding way up there.
Then what?
Find some way to let Jerry save face.  Make him Chairman Emeritus.  Name the stadium after him and pay him for the right to use his name.  A permanent suite at the stadium.  (With parking!)  Perhaps work something where he keeps the stadium or some piece of it.  There are all kinds of ways to compensate selling business owners.   Insist that they pay him personally millions not to take his incomparable football management skills to any other NFL team.   Give him a consulting deal and actually have meetings and let him have his say.
OK, let's say that none of this moves the old razorback.  
There's always:
How do you get leverage over an ego?
Include Stephen and Jerry Jr. in the Consortium.  Is Stephen Jones the Prince Charles of DFW or what?  Waiting for His Majesty to abdicate or die.  Perhaps it would be meaningful to Jerry (in addition to the crazy money, let's not forget) to know that his beloved offspring would have some kind of management and ownership role, and that he'd still have his son's ear on matters Cowboys, even if he would have no authority.  I can imagine that the boys (!) would have some reluctance to show up with a group offering to buy the team – I'm sure they love and feel loyalty toward their Pop and might fear a family falling-out if appearing to want to oust him.  Still, there may be creative ways to involve them in a subtle and diplomatic approach that would not offend Jerry.
The Brontosaurus Theory.  But here's my gee-whiz solution, and I'm sure that there are NFL-savvy readers out there who will tell me that this could never, ever happen in a squillion years. 
But, like Anne Elk (John Cleese) who offers her theory on the brontosaurus on Episode 31 of Monty Python's Flying Circus, this is my theory, and it is mine, and belongs to me, and what it is, too.  The next thing you will read is my theory:
This rich-guy consortium goes to Jerry – again, with their crazy money, maybe really crazy in light of this (my) theory and the thinking they want to inspire in Jerry, and they say this: 
Jerry, we have crazy money for you.  You know as sure as you're sitting there that this is easily a 30% premium over the highest valuation that any so-called expert places on this team.  You take that and walk away and you can hold your head high, laughing at your critics, knowing that win or lose, you, by the sheer force of your personality and will and balls in getting that stadium built, and, yes, winning three Super Bowls, created immense, incredible value, made this the second most valuable franchise in the world, second only to Manchester United.  Incredible accomplishment, Jerry.
You take this crazy money, Jerry.  You take it.  We'll put your name on that stadium.  Take a look at this term sheet, there's a bunch of other goodies in there, and looky here, Jerry, we're going to give Stephen and Jerry Jr. the opportunity to invest at a very high level and give them significant management responsibility.  You can be Chairman Emeritus.  
Take this crazy money, Jerry, and all the rest, because if you don't take this crazy money, we're going to keep an appointment that we made some months ago with Roger Goodell to discuss with him our strong commitment to putting an NFL team in Fort Worth, Texas.  As you can see, it will be hugely well-financed, with a stadium – oh, Jerry, it will not be a stadium like yours – it will be a big stadium, for sure, but it will be one that people will love, a real Texas stadium, like Fort Worth is a real Texas city, like people love the Ballpark at Arlington.  It'll be right near downtown -- those city fathers know how to work with businessmen.   Maybe we'll swipe Jacksonville or some other lame franchise – maybe we'll argue for expansion.  And Roger Goodell will listen, because Texas is a football state, and DFW is a gigantic market with lots and lots of people who have given up their Cowboy season tickets and lost all faith in you, and because major and lesser markets have fielded two NFL teams at once:  New York, Bay Area.  Crazy money, Jer.  You think your fellow owners would never allow it?  Think again.  Crazy.   And when we get that franchise -- don't you doubt us, Jerry, you know who we are -- we are going to treat our fans like royalty and we're going to get the best football people in the country and we're going to have a fracking party every week over in crazy Fort Worth over this team we're going to put together, Jerry.  Ground floor fans who don't give a bag of dirt about what your franchise did 20 years ago.  And we'll grab your fans, we'll grab your concession dollars, we'll grab your capital appreciation, we'll grab all of it and we will keep grabbing because that is how we got this crazy money in the first place.  It won't be hard . Crazy money, Jerry.  We got it.  We can get more.  
Because we're winners.  
Sign here. 

*     *     *

A bit melodramatic, perhaps.  And with a number of strategic difficulties. But God, that was fun.
Here's my point – we shouldn't assume that no circumstances exist under which Jerry would consider selling the team.  You won't know until you try.  Until you try, and let it leak that you're trying.  And I'm serious about a Fort Worth team.
So here's the plan, Confessors.  Send the link to this post to all of your billionaire friends.  Let's see, do I know any billionaires, let me think  .  .  . 

Twitter:  @Plainsman1310

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Jumping the Gun by a Few Hours to Wish The Greatest Radio Station in the World a Happy 19th

Binky and Sheba Wish The Pan-American Catman and All The Ticket Guys and Gals a
Happy 19th Birthday

And, lest we forget, the Magnificent 7 still on board (not sure whether Cactus still has some kind of affiliation):

Mike "The Creator" Rhyner
Craig "Junior" Miller
George "Formerly Sometimes Called 'The Commander'" Dunham
Gordon "Gordon" Keith
Mike "Fernando" Fernandez
Steve "Cactus" Pryor


Rick "The Immortal" Arnett

Monday, January 21, 2013

The Hardline Blues

I had something else planned for this entry, but there seems to be a hot topic emerging among Confessors.

First, a brief report on a conversation I had last night.  Present at this moment were two adult woman and a man.  They know I do this site.  One of the women said that she hated The Hardline because it was "coarse."  Sports/guy radio is not going to be her first choice under any circumstances, but that was not the case with the other adult male, squarely in the Ticket demo wheelhouse.  He mentioned that he'd been liking Norm's show lately.  He also said that he had tried to listen to "the afternoon show."  He tried to explain who he was listening to, without success, and I just asked him if it were afternoon or afternoon drive.  Drive, he said.  He said when he tried to listen there was almost no sports talk, but sometimes they tried to do political talk and it was so ignorant that he had to switch it off.

Second, I can hardly remember the last time a Confessor said anything positive about The Hardline.  To judge from recent comments, some Confessors say they are drifting away and will drop it entirely if Danny leaves.  Personally, I don't feel that way.  I still enjoy the show.  I like Corby.  I don't mind Mike not having all that much on his mind.   I could do without the political stuff myself -- the only thing worse than Musers talking politics is The Line talking politics -- but in general, my forays into Galloway and RaGE territory are always brief.  Which is another way of saying, I guess, that The Line's competition is weak.  But even so, it would take a pretty extraordinary presentation by another station to get me to switch.

Having said that, I do think The Hardline may be entering one of its dark periods.  It is true, as Confessors say, that Mike is drifting into one of his disconnected phases, show prep is not apparent, the OverCorby is appearing more frequently.  I will keep an eye on this trend and report, although I suspect you will all do so before I do.

Believe it or not, this is the only picture I could find on the Internet of
Danny, Corby, and Mike together. I'm sure there are others,
they just didn't come up in any searches.   What makes it of particular interest
is that I took it.  Junior Miller's distinguished beak is entering the frame
stage right.


The end of the comment string from the prior post reported on Robert Wilonsky's report that Danny and others have invested in the revival, if that's what it is, of the Twilight Lounge in Deep Ellum.   (Link to Robert's Report)  His specific use permit hearing is before the Dallas Plan Commission this week sometime.  Confessors report there was no mention of it made on the show today, as predicted on this very blog.  I would not expect to hear anything about it until Danny's departure was certain, which I continue to predict with something approaching zero conviction, and even then not until shortly before.  There are lots of hoops to jump through before something as iffy as a Deep Ellum revival commits to open its doors, and the last thing The Line would want would be a lengthy lame duck period for arguably the most popular guy on the show.

And the point I offer for discussion is what that departure would mean for the show.  I've always felt that Danny keeps the OverCorby under control and keeps the show moving.  He's also very smart, very funny, very witty (not the same thing), and just an all around good listen.   When either Mike or Corby is absent, the resulting show with Danny always gets good reviews.  When Danny is away, the reviews are not so good.  Would his departure send tremors through the CTO as they hand-wring over whether to replace him, and, if they do, with whom? 

Fourth:  Despite the evidence of the Confessor, the show is enjoying historical levels of popularity.  Something about the show continues to resonate with the demographic, and isn't that the idea?

So consider this an Open Thread for some truly thoughtful 30,000-foot thoughts on The Hardline.  Remember -- this site was founded in part as a reaction to what I call "The Corby Sux School of Ticket Journalism."    If you're abandoning the show, that's fine and you are invited to tell us why, but I'm really more interested in why you think the show is still a smash hit in the metro.

*     *     *

Twitter:  @Plainsman1310

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

OPEN THREAD: No, Really, I'm Serious

I'm out of town, Confessors, and in meetings all day and evening.  So no new material the rest of this week.  You are all very careful custodians of the integrity of this site, so I am certain that in my absence you will post comments of interest in its spirit.

Hear something interesting on the channel?  Book it.

Care to weigh in on the "big changes at The Fan by May" versus "nah, maybe a few little ones" controversy?

Your views on the decline, if any, of The Hardline?


Or, maybe you'd just like to continue the sizzling Pundendous, Vaginormous, Honeybaked Ham Billboard commentary from the prior post:

Post on Disturbing Honeybaked Ham Billboard Viewed in Passing Each Morning as I'm Listening to the Musers:

I hope to be back with more in a week.  If I have time before bedtime to weigh in, I'll do it.  Thanks in advance to all hearty Confessors.

Monday, January 14, 2013

The Connection of This Post to The Ticket is that I Am Listening to The Ticket Every Time I Drive Past This

This sign is on I-45 but it is identical to the Honeybaked billboard a  little south of the Galleria on the southbound Tollway.

Who's designing Honeybaked's ad campaigns these days?  Georgia O'Keefe?

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Only My Ticket Confession Has the Courage to Ask If The Ticket's Endorsements Threaten the End of the World

A lot of you don't like these kind of posts, so apologies in advance.

*     *     *

Oh, my quaking Confessors, I had a horrifying thought this evening.

It makes me wonder if The Ticket has taken a position which, under certain circumstances, might mean the end of reality as we know it.

It is indeed a world-threatening possibility.

But before I get to that, I would like to join Mike Rhyner in wishing Donald Fagen a happy milestone birthday, his 65th.  A true musical genius, including, I would argue, a performing genius.  I recorded one of his tunes awhile back, very cool arrangement with a trio plus a Hammond B3.  My performance would not make you forget his, but it was an honor to sing it nevertheless.

Love this man's stuff.

All right, back to the end of civilization.

As you know, all the Ticket hosts, without exception have (no doubt independently) concluded that All-Pro Foundation Repair is the foundation repair to select.  I wonder how many of you are also aware that even Jody Dean endorses All-Pro Foundation Repair.

This is not Jody Dean.  It is Tara Harper,
to whom Jody Dean  reportedly pitched woo
on something called Most Eligible Dallas.  But she is
more fun to look at a picture of than is Jody Dean.
Its preferred method of foundation repair has an extremely unusual property.   This property is not described on its website -- indeed, I can find no Internet references to it at all.  However, this method -- the solid helical pier -- is described on All-Pro's website as follows:  "This pier has an almost infinite drilling depth and weight bearing capacity."  Got that?  Almost infinite.

But The Ticket doesn't even make a claim that extreme.  The hosts (through, I recall, Mike Rhyner) expressly state that the pier can support more than twice the weight of the house.  "That's why we say," Mike says, "that it is mathematically impossible to fail."

Whoa.  Mathematically impossible to fail.

But consider:

What if one of them failed?

Hypothetical illustration.
Well, you snicker, that's ridiculous -- it's a mathematical impossibility.

Oh yeah?  Well then, why does All-Pro Foundation Repair give a lifetime guarantee?  

First of all, what the hell is a lifetime guarantee?  The buyer's?  What if he sells the house?  Does the guarantee go until the seller dies?  Or is it the lifetime of the house?  How is that measured?  I suppose one measure would be its collapse with the catastrophic failure of the helical piers.  

But let's put that conundrum aside, and consider the meaning of a guarantee.  It provides buyers with a remedy in the event of the failure of the product.  Ah, you say, All-Pro might as well issue a lifetime guarantee if its pier is mathematically impossible to fail, since it would never, ever have a claim.  But surely it would be an even better sales ploy to say -- our piers, being mathematically impossible to fail, don't even require a lifetime guarantee, because one would be completely unnecessary.  Issuing a lifetime guarantee where the event being guaranteed against is considered, or represented to be, impossible, would be like the Vatican issuing a money-back lifetime warranty of Jesus's love.

Nope -- a guarantee concedes the possibility of claims against it -- the possibility of failure.

Nevertheless, whatever you think a lifetime guarantee means, the question still remains:

What if this pier, which, after all, is just a piece of solid galvanized metal, and not a magical substance  .  .  .  failed.  Did not support properly.  Within your lifetime, you found cracks in your foundation.

So then we would have something that is mathematically impossible to fail .  .  .  failing.

Which would mean that mathematics -- the way we describe the physical world, the basis for all technology, the discipline without which we would have nothing -- indeed, according to some schools of thought that claim that mathematics is an inherent property of the universe, a set of truths that are "discovered" rather than "invented" -- without which there would be nothing -- is false.

Suggesting, if one accepts this latter view of math, that the failure of an All-Pro Helical Pier would mean the end of the universe.

So, if any of you know of a house employing an All-Pro Helical Pier with foundation problems -- keep it to yourself. 

Twitter:  @Plainsman1310

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Craig Tried His Absolute Very Hardest to Portray Dennis Rodman's Ticketstock Appearance as a Major Station Announcement

He must have been studying George's and Gordon's outrageously (but entertainingly) insincere Raising Cane's endorsements.

I'm sure it isn't easy to find big-name active or recent stars to come to Ticketstock within budget. So I have some sympathy with The Little One in its attempts to fire up interest in the thing with notable sportsy figures wherever they can find one willing to appear.

Dennis Rodman, though:   Off the court, he has to be the least-interesting sports celebrity who attempts to interest the public in his being a sports celebrity. For all of his eccentricities -- which, to me, have always seemed entirely ginned-up, and I lived in Chicago during the glory years -- when he's asked to respond orally to anything, his thoroughgoing banality pours into the mic.  Lawrence Taylor's legal troubles aside, even in retirement he was never the dictionary picture of "washed up."

Rodman? Here's a report from March of last year:

"The former NBA badboy owes $808,935 in back child support for the two children — ages nine and 10 — he had with his third wife, Michelle Rodman. He reportedly owes an additional $51,441 in spousal support.

"But Rodman's attorney said in court documents that the Basketball Hall of Famer can barely afford his own living expenses, let alone support payments.

"'Respondent Dennis Rodman is broke and cannot afford any additional fees,' Rodman's attorney Linnea Willis wrote.

"Willis claimed Rodman was 'extremely sick' and that his marketability was diminishing with age and illness, making it impossible for the five-time NBA champion to pay the $5,000 he owes monthly for one child from another relationship, in addition to the $4,500 he owes Michelle Rodman every month.

"Willis added the attorneys representing Rodman have been working pro bono."

For the record, Rodman thereafter denied that he is either broke or sick -- the "sickness," by the way, being alcoholism.   However, in late May he was convicted of contempt of court for failure to obey child-support orders, and sentenced to probation and community service.  No word on whether he pays his lawyers or has come up with any of the child support. Perhaps The Ticket can explore this with him on one of itsTicketstock panels.

Wearing a wedding dress, claiming to be marrying oneself,
even when accompanied by a meretricious relationship with
Carmen Electra topped off by a nine-day marriage to same
(acutely intoxicated Las Vegas nuptials followed by an anullment filing),
does not make one an intrinsically interesting human

So, much as I credit The Ticket for staging something like Ticketstock, which really is a cool thing for the P1 and always a well-planned and enjoyable event, the Rodman thing has about it the strong fragrance of desperation -- certainly for Rodman, and, since it can't seem to engage any non-desperate sportsy celebrity, The Ticket as well.

Maybe the showcasing of washed-up, troubled, convicted former athletes at Ticketstock should be a featured annual bit.

I would think The Fan might have some fun with this.

Hell, they should have asked me to appear. 

* * *
Twitter:  @Plainsman1310

Monday, January 7, 2013

Monday Morning Quick Hits

(1)  Who would have thought that Matt McClearin was a capologist?  His MaSS segment on the financial aspects of attempting to improve the Cowboys was one of the best (and more depressing) analyses of the future of the team that I have heard and a powerful (if implicit) condemnation of the Jones/Jones regime.  Well thought-out and crisply delivered.  Very, very nice work by Matt.

(2) Bruce LeVine is struggling.   His weekend Tickers are sometimes painful to listen to, so halting and almost confused-sounding.  I swear, I heard him refer to "Ticker" as "Ticket."  Is he reading some old Mitchell Kerasik copy?  And in general he seems to be having a difficult time with his script, which I assume he composes himself. 

(3) I will be listening to Scott Ferrall tonight.  I thought he was appalling when I heard him years ago and my expectations are not high -- I could hardly believe it when I heard he was still "cracking a cold one" at the request of listeners -- but in fairness I need to give him another shot.  At a minimum, I believe this means The Ticket will have to stop running the ad that proudly boasts that the channel doesn't offer coastal guys shouting at us.

(4)  What was the big funny thing on MaSS this Sunday that had the entire staff and crew breaking down?  I heard that, but did not hear the funny.  I believe it was some naughty thing that Matt said, but didn't catch it.  Anyone?  Maybe it will be an E-Brake.

(5)  In strong agreement with Confessors who are having a hard time believing that The Ticket is running ads containing a reference to "sucking less," a gimmick that was roundly ridiculed by readers when The Fan featured the same phrase.

Have at it, lads.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I'm Trying to Picture a Kevlar-Lined Jeep

I've listened with fascination to Rich Phillips's ads for Starwood Motors and its Kevlar Jeeps.  Indeed, he apparently owns one.  It has been awhile since I've heard the ad, but I could have sworn that he said it was Kevlar lined, or used Kevlar lining.  But my recollection may be failing me here, or, more likely, I thought that Kevlar, being akin to a fabric (I thought), was used on the interior of the vehicle.

This was incorrect thinking.

The damned thing is coated with Kevlar.

I refer you to the Starwood Motors page describing the Kevlar Jeep.  This particular one is sold as of the date of this posting, apparently, and indeed, the last time I went to this page, the Kevlar Jeep pictured was red. (If the link doesn't work, just google "Kevlar Jeep Starwood Motors" and you'll find it, unless, of course, you're using Bing.)   Maybe you order one, or they customize one at a time on spec, I dunno.  In any event, I invite you to click on the image and get a bigger picture and take a close look at the sheet metal, or where the sheet metal would ordinarily be visible. 

Indeed, the text says: 

"The entire exterior of the vehicle has been professionally coated with Premium Protective Coating w/Kevlar Fiber (4700 PSI tensile strength, which is over 200% strength of other brands), making it impervious to the elements."  It warns buyers:  "Beware of imitations! Many have tried to copy our unique Jeep conversions, only to produce uneven liner coverage, inconsistent or flawed texture, non-Kevlar liner, sub-standard parts and shoddy workmanship."

Now, I must say:  (1) This vehicle looks pretty cool.  The Chrysler folks are making some nifty vehicles these days, and until recently, I owned a Grand Cherokee SRT8 that was and is the absolutely coolest vehicle on the road for under $50,000 (it was my everyday driver and I traded it when the miles got way up there, and I'm even sorta sorry I traded it then).  (2) The Kevlar doesn't look ridiculous, and the red was also very eye-catching.  (3) I'm something of a Rich fan and if a vehicle nut like Rich vouches for the utility of this customization, I'll have some respect for that.  Hey, it sent me to the site to check it out, and now I'm writing this article about it.

But I have a few questions:

     --  How do you keep this stuff clean?  There was a time when vinyl roofs were all the rage.  Me Dad had an old Cutlass Supreme with one, and it didn't look bad, but it was a bear to clean -- swipe marks were all but impossible to avoid, and since you can't polish Kevlar like you can painted sheet metal (or can you?  I have no idea), I'm wondering how it's kept looking nice.  Maybe you just hose it off.  Can you take it through a car wash?

     --  "Impervious to the elements"?  In what respect are today's cars pervious to elements?  I can't remember the last time I even ever saw a rusty car, and man, I used to live in Chicago where (1) they salted the roads in the winter, and (2) they had winter.

     --  How is collision damage repaired?  Does this stuff rip?  And assuming you can re-coat a repaired fender, does this stuff fade at all?  I wouldn't think you could match existing material that had lost some of its color or that even was a bit nicked.

     --  Will it stop bullets and stuff?  

Let's just say it's easier for me to imagine Rich driving this vehicle than it is to imagine Danny driving any kind of a Volvo.*


LATER:  Rich's Kevlar Jeep:


* Really sorry, Danny, I went looking for the name of the dealer you're endorsing but couldn't find it.  I'll come back and fix this next time I hear the ad.  And yeah, the S60 R-Design has some greatness about it, but I just can't get all up in any 5-cylinder engine -- it's like it's missing a chromosome or something.

Twitter:  @Plainsman1310