Tuesday, March 13, 2018

I Give My Leader the Benefit of the Doubt + Bonus STD on Drops

And that leader, you may recall, is Jeff Catlin, Program Director of KTCK (The Ticket) and Operations Manager for it, KESN, KLIF, KPLX, KLIF FM, WBAP, and KSCS (that is, Cumulus Dallas).

I think he is a pretty smart chap and has made some pretty smart decisions about The Ticket.

So I can only assume he has some reason -- a market study, perhaps; micro-ratings analysis; maybe getting a feel from his email; could even be sponsor feedback -- for countenancing what seems -- isn't, but seems -- to be nonstop talk on a number of the shows about cable/Amazon/Netflix dramatic presentations.

A day or so ago, it was The Musers with "The Push."  Today, I look forward to one of my rare tune-ins to BaD, and I hear Bob say that they were not able to properly finish their discussion of "The Push" in the prior segment(s?), and so they were going to trash the sports talk they had planned on the run sheet so they could talk about it some more.  Then, on The Hardline, E-news is all about that subject, then, following a single segment about Cowboys stuff (Dez Bryant absolutely, 100%, take it to the bank, absolutely no way, will renegotiate his deal), Corby announced they were going to discuss another Netflix show in the next segment.

Maybe the Confessor is interested in these things and the New World Catman has made another wise choice.  Maybe lots of P1's watch them and enjoy our lads' extensive and frequent discussion about these shows.  And the discussion itself -- hey, for all I know they may be television analysts of the most sublime perspicacity.  But, speaking here only for myself, I'm interested in none of it, and, to the extent I am, I am certainly not interested in the cascade of spoilers these guys sling.  I heard Corby say that viewership for these shows is plummeting and he once again assured listeners with absolute certainty that in 5 years there would be no Netflix, no Showtime, no HBO, so one wonders why a disproportionate slab of showgram time up and down the broadcast day is devoted to these presentations.

Now -- I invoke Jeff here, but in fact, I don't think he has much to do with the programming of individual segments on these shows.  He's not telling them to devote segments to TV/cable/internet dramatic programming.  His role, if there is one, is pretty much a negative one -- stop doing this, don't do that, clean up your tweets, throw some cold water on the social commentary.

Anyway, that's my STD (Scorching Ticket Disquisition) for the day.

"Corby said this show was the greatest in the history of human communication."

*     *     *

Wait, there's more.

What's this about The Ticket being ordered to -- erase? archive? stop using? -- certain, or a certain number of, or a certain volume of, drops?  Heard it mentioned a couple of times this afternoon, most notably by Mike R observing that a station like The Ticket, which basically carries some of Cumulus's less popular offerings, should be forced to cut back on drops for any reason.

I didn't get the impression that this was a programming move -- Jeff saying, per my suggestion above, "use a lot fewer drops."  Don't think that's what's happened, although could be in error about that.  I believe that for some reason, a large batch of Ticket drops are no longer available for use; D Mino suggested to that effect.   Mike, and I think Corby, both suggested that this was some kind of an economic move.  But how is that possible?  Digital storage costs approximately nothing (or am I wrong here, guys?).   Someone out there knows more about this.  Please advise in the comments, or drop me a line.


Thursday, March 8, 2018

Is There Tension?

I ask this question sincerely.  I invite daily BaD listeners to weigh in, because I've recently heard something on BaD that I did not expect to hear.

I have been able to tune into BaD twice in the last couple of weeks.  I regret that I can't listen more often, because I've kind of been warming up to the show over the past year or so.  But I did have a chance to punch in a couple of times recently.

Both times I heard a very tense moment between Bob and T.C.

T.C. would pop on.  Now, in T.C.'s defense, if he needs one, these pop-ons did not seem to me to be any more annoying than T.C.'s usual pop-ons.  You listen to BaD, you're going to hear T.C. pop on.  It goes with the territory.  One of them was a little sarcastic -- I don't recall the subject matter of either -- but well within T.C. historical tolerances.  Some people are OK with T.C.'s pop-ons, others less so, others not at all, but these sounded to me like not-out-of-the-ordinary pop-ons.  I did not take particular note of them, did not think T.C. was out of line in comparison with what he's apparently been allowed to do in the past.

But Bob took note and -- I don't think the phrase is "snapped at T.C."  I think the phrase is more like "expressed very distinctive annoyance at T.C. popping on, or perhaps at the said popped-on content."

In both cases -- my recollection may be a little thin here -- he paused before he spoke, as though considering his words carefully, or to signal that something unusual was coming.

In both cases, he called T.C. "Chuck."  Is that new?  Does he call him "Chuck" when he intends to make a slighting reference?

In the most recent episode he made reference to T.C.'s mic always seeming to be on.  In another he sarcastically -- the sarcasm was not veiled -- "thanked" T.C. for his contribution.

Dan did not speak during these uncomfortable passages.

In the most recent instance, Justin M was sitting in for Jake and had been participating in the show, although less than Jake usually does.  No interaction between Justin and T.C. during these passages (or at all).

I guess this could be a bit.  Again, I don't listen to BaD enough to know if this is some ongoing schtick, or if Bob is growing unhappy with T.C.'s always-bubbling-beneath-the-surface desire to participate in the show. 

Confessors, please -- this is not an invitation to unload on T.C.  We've seen enough of that in the past and we all know how you feel.  I mainly want to know if either Bob or Dan has been spatting with T.C. on the air, or whether what I heard on my two recent flybys was anomalous.

T.C., you're  .  .  .  you're so much more than banter.

Saturday, March 3, 2018


Did you catch it on The Teebox this morning?

"It's just the tip of the icing."

        --  Craig Rosengarden

*     *     *

Guys and dolls, sorry I've been absent.  I've been out of town and working seven days and evenings.   That will last probably around another week.  I had an STD  I was going to offer about BaD, but it's gotten a little stale.  I might still throw it out there if I get some time, but until then, here's a ginger for you.

*     *     *

RANDOM TICKET OBSERVATION:  No Ticket host of any age should ever call another host "dude."  Or anyone else, for that matter.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Are You Going to Ticketstock?

I'm flat not going to make it this year.  Usually I try to at least grab an hour or two of the least interesting time -- not long after opening on Friday -- but I'm not even going to make that this year, or at least that's what it looks like right now.

Get some snaps, men and women, and send them along to


I wish it were possible to post links and snaps to comments, but alas.

I'll be especially keen to hear how the "skits" ("Friday Night Live") go.  I think it will be a difficult thing to pull off but I guess the lads have been working hard on it.  Hey -- comedy is hard.  Written comedy is harder.  Performed written comedy is the hardest. 

I wish The Ticket -- and y'all -- a wonderful TicketStock. 

"I like the way Gordon says 'huh' alla time."

Friday, February 9, 2018

Mickey Jones, RIP

Mickey Jones was a drummer with Bob Dylan, Kenny Rogers, and other notables. He then went on to have an acting career, most notably in "Home Improvement" and movies "Sling Blade," "Starman," and "Tin Cup."

The Ticket connection?

As most Ticket followers know, VJ Boyd, a writer-producer on "Justified," has written the names of many Ticket notables into the scripts for that wonderful series:  Ty Walker, T.C. Fleming, Gordon Keith, others.

Jones played Rodney "Hot Rod" Dunham in the show.  Of course, we know the beloved George on The Musers, and his affection for a movie he believes is underappreciated by everyone but him, "Hot Rod."

So there's your Ticket connection.

 And here's your redhead "Justified" connection, Alicia Witt, who portrayed Wendy Crowe.

 Have a fine weekend, Confessors.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Please, Robert

I really like Robert Wilonsky.  Not everyone on this site does; some think he fudges some accounts of his past.  I have no way of knowing and it doesn't make a lot of difference to my enjoyment of his broadcasting and his journalism.   I really like David Moore, too, and that means I doubly like Intentional Grounding.

I wish were on for two hours every Wednesday.

I wish it were on every week throughout the year.

But I heard something near the close of the show tonight that made me a little sad.

Robert was interrogating David Moore on the Alex Smith-from-KC-to-Washington deal.

In the course of doing so, he was deliberately avoiding using the phrase "Washington Redskins," calling it either the "Washington Football Club," or the "Washington Football Team," maybe both, I forget which.  (I don't believe David ever found reason to use the team name but I may have missed it.)

And he kind of paused before he said it each time.  Thinking about it.  Not sure.  Not signalling, just not sure.

I was disappointed in that locutional strategy.  I don't like to think of my favorites giving in to political correctness.  Snyder isn't going to change the name.  Goodell isn't going to make him do it.  Native Americans are not clamoring for it.   (Differing, in this important respect, from other names for other ethnic groups, which names are widely reviled.  Washington Post poll from mid-2016 reports 9 of 10 Indians not offended by the name.)  No one is going to think Robert is a racist if he calls them the Washington Redskins, yet he felt he just couldn't bring himself to say it, and it was obvious that it was not an inadvertent word choice.

Ah well, we live in different times now.  Crappier times, but different.

Wahoo, Big Bob.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

A Happy Interim Birthday to The Little One

Let the Pre-Quarter Century Ticket Anniversary celebrations begin!

There was a moment on The Musers this morning that reminded me of why I listen.  They were talking about Football Jerry and his interview at the Senior Bowl. 

In discussing the future of Dez Bryant, the following line was uttered by Craig "Junior" Miller, the Fred Astaire of The Ticket:

"Jerry will keep Dez Bryant because Jerry has heard of Dez Bryant."

All of the problems with the Cowboys summed up in one brilliant and absolutely true sentence.

Thank you, Ticket, and Happy Birthday.

Some things just get better with age, right Mike?

Monday, January 15, 2018

I Assume There's a Reason

Why does The Ticket hardly ever take live calls anymore?  (As opposed to the voicemail compendium BaD does, the name of which escapes me.)

Not counting voting on E-Brake or Cowboys post-game.

We have been reminded recently of Paul the Damned Viking, and commenters to the last thread listed many other notable identifiable callers from The Ticket's past.   Names unfamiliar to me, and I've been listening for over ten years:  Greek Man, Rogers in Hammerstein, Dr. Matt, Side Show Bob, JD, Hippie in Euless, Blue in the Grove, Glenda (RIP), Sterling.  Hong Kong Paul (more of a remote fixture, with at least one notable call-in).

Confessors seem to remember these names with fondness.  I wonder if there's a touch of nostalgia here.  I had my fill of Mike from Duncanville on the post-game, and I wonder if maybe Cat, or the hosts, were wary of listeners with a lot of time on their hands hanging on hold, trying to become Ticket fixtures with canned material.

Sure -- lots of callers are terrible and obviously unbright.  But some are good -- Hakeem in Frisco is always a reasonable voice after Cowboys games.  And lousy or dumb callers can be fodder for colorful host responses, including but not limited to Norm meltdowns, Mike dismissals,  Gordon sarcasm, Dan destruction.  It's not like all of these shows have a backlog of topics to get to, or careful show prep to exhibit -- I'd rather hear unpredictable calls than Corby stumbling through an article he just found during the previous break (although I have to admit, it's kind of entertaining when he does).

And although I assume producers have a lot to do, couldn't they screen calls for a segment or two to ensure droolers don't get through, and let through people who seem to have a clue?  And there's a delay for the bombers and trolls.

I'll bet there's an answer to this question, and probably a good one.  They haven't done it for years, and some of the hosts clearly disdain it.  I just don't know why.  I think it would be interesting to schedule a call-in segment, give it a name, and have it sponsored.  I wonder if MTC could afford a spot.

"Hello, Mike?  Thank you for taking my call.   I met you once after a Petty Theft show and you guys were great, so cool to meet you!  I wanted to ask a question about why the Cowboys hardly ever use the counter trey, but first I wanted to tell you that the test came back  .  .  .  ."

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Kelly McClure -- a Lexicon

For those of you who would like to get more enjoyment out of Kelly "I'm the Only Entity that Refers to Me as  .  .  .  the Bulldog" McClure commercials, I offer the following guide to some of her more puzzling pronunciations.  You know who I'm talking about, the Chief Executive Officer of the McClure Law Group (which group has seven lawyers of which to be Chief Executive Officer listed on her website, although there are nine in the group photo):

I think I can guess at least one of the departees -- the blonde in the right flank who had the audacity to do a left-foot-forward-hand-on-hip pose and showed some chest flesh, although in her defense she was wearing non-McClure black.   (The photo is clearly assembled from individual portraits; Ms. McClure's reproduction has taken some calories off her nose, which is a pity, as I find her real-life honker rather alluring in her publicity snaps.  And she seems also to have lost some weight in her cheekish area at the artist's hand.)

Anyway, if you are having trouble following her ads, here are some clarifications which may help:

"whey"               when he
"looza"               loses a
"probby"            probably
"custy"               custody
"a unhappy"       an unhappy
"a honest"          an honest
"harng"              hiring
"prordy"            priority
"merches"          marriages
"fahlng"             following
"falngs"              filings
"ordy"                already

Look, I'm sure she and Mr. Epstein and their shifting cast are all excellent lawyers.  Her success can't have come solely from self-promotion and impressive structural elements.  Heck, if I were a high-net-worth man with marital, pre-marital, or post-marital woes, I'd nip by for a consult.

But her ads have been cracking me up since they started running on The Ticket some time back.  I know some of you don't like MTC advertising talk, but it's here to stay -- they're a big part of The Ticket day (not to mention its revenue).   The Ticket cast may stay the same -- not much new material there -- but one can always count on a fresh batch of ads to thrash the bejeebers out of all of us.

Previous observations on Ms. McClure's ads may be found in the archives:



Hoping you're not one of those unfortunates who cause falngs to go up after the New Year.  As Ms. McClure persuasively urges, "Oh, the holidays!"

"Is that the final decree in your pocket, Sugar, or are you just happy to see me?"

Thursday, January 4, 2018

ALERT: Placeholder Redhead

Apologies, Confessors.  Slammed out on the plains 24/7.  Hoping to keep this joint going in 2018 and will do my best to grab some time for some actual content.

Thought about doing a drydock lookback, but my listening was pretty spotty.  Maybe you guys can fill in with some reviews below.

In the meantime, I thought we'd go demure-and-fetching for our first ginger of 2018.

Thanks for your patience, and drop a line.  After almost nine years, I'll appreciate any ideas for some topics I haven't already done to death.  Or drop me an essay and if it's good I'll run it as a feature.

I may be demure and fetching, but I'm getting pretty sick of clicking on MTC and finding a whole lot of nothing new.  Guess I'll switch on The Hardline.


Thursday, December 21, 2017

Jock Sniffing Has Its Price

"Papa" John Schnatter, insufferable commercial pal of numerous pizza-fond athletes, is out as CEO of Papa John's.

He recently criticized the NFL for not getting control of this anthem-kneeling thing, blaming it for a downturn in pizza sales.

There was talk at the time that his sometime ad-making chum Jerry Jones put him up to this public speculation, both as an anti-Goodell strategy and to bring the economic effect of public revulsion over this practice home to the players.

He was widely ridiculed for this. 

(But if an activity associated with pizza-eating, as home football viewing kinda is, declines because people are starting to loathe pro football and its players (and probably its Commissioner and its referees and its owners), would it surprise anyone if, to some extent, he were right?  Has anyone looked into this?)

He's staying on as Chairman. 

Will his athletic friends continue to hang out with him if his pizza-flogging days, no doubt accompanied by complimentary tastings, have come to an end?

Stay tuned.

Papa John Out

"You didn't really just say 'Come to papa,' did you, Mr. Schnatter?"

Friday, December 15, 2017

So What's the Deal on Dave Lane?

I came to The Ticket after the main Davey Lane years, I think.  I started listening in late 2004 or thereabouts.  I never heard The Rant, but maybe I wasn't tuning in weekends at that time -- thought I was, but maybe not. 

I did hear The Orphanage for many years.  Loved it.  Miss it.

Whenever I hear him on the air, I think:  This is good.  This sounds like a Ticket guy.  Sounds, in fact, like a Ticket host.  Has, in fact, that Craig "Junior" Miller crazy/cool vibe. 

Would most of us consider his appearances with Corby and Danny this week to be a success?  I would.  (And it reminds us, as we have been reminded many times, that Corby can be really good when he's away from The Hardline setting.)

So I ask, why not more Dave Lane?

And why did he leave The Ticket to begin with?

I ask it reluctantly, because I fear it may provoke answers having something to do with some unfortunate employment situation, or internal Ticket problem, or domestic issues, that are really none of this site's business.  Well, maybe internal Ticket problems are.

I can see why a guy might leave a station voluntarily.  If, for example, he wanted to make an actual living instead of waiting on a Ticket host to die.

But, if LinkedIn is to be believed, the man is somewhat at loose ends right now, and has been for awhile. 

But, alas, there is no room for him at The Ticket most of the time.  With full-time JVs scrabbling for airtime and fill-in host duties, there just aren't a lot of slots for cameos by Historical Ticket Figures.

I'm rambling.  I don't have a point.  I just like listening to Dave Lane, I wish he were on more often, I'm sorry he's not a full-time Ticket star, and MTC wishes him well.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

White Elephant Listening Post -- Let's Make It a Lively but Respectful Thread

I know it's a lame redhead-related-to-elephant image, but the only other two on the entire Internet I'd already used, and they weren't choice, either.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) is the day.  Should be fun.

Look, everyone, I know everyone's favorites Corby and T.C. will be doing a show together, but let's keep thing civil, OK?  (Have you caught the reaction -- including by Corby -- on the shows when mention is made of their noon-3 partnership tomorrow?  There's a novel between the lines there.)

But there's always great stuff from the hosts doing lower-tier tasks.  Danny states he is only going to read tonight's hockey score for each of his tickers ftom 10 to 3.   I'll listen as much as I can, but as usual, you guys will have to do most of the work.  You know there will be gold, and some tension as well.

Enjoy it, Confessors.

And report.

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Mind-Loss Check -- CORRECTION

OK, Confessors.  I need to know if I'm losing my mind.  Let me know if any of you have heard this.

The Ticket is running a promo where Norm says something like:

"The Cowboys now have ten days to meticulously prepare for [short pause] Geno Smith."  Then Donovan laughs and says "Oh, yeah," something like that.  A reasonably funny observation, Norm sells it with a "wait for it" pause, and a sensible reaction from Donovan.

This morning on my jog listening to the Teebox, I heard the same promo, except it sounded like they'd edited it to substitute "the Giants" for "Geno Smith" -- no pause.  Just a declarative sentence.  But still followed by the same Donovan explosive chortle -- which now makes no sense.

But I am thinking I may have one or both of those promos wrong.

Please advise.

And if I've heard this correctly, why change the promo?  Because no one's heard of Geno Smith?

Have a fine holiday weekend.

CORRECTION:  I am in fact losing my mind, or my hearing.  I heard the promo again on "Work in Progress" this morning (another bad title -- why do the JV sometimes select self-critical titles?), and they did not edit out "Geno Smith" -- the entire phrase is "Geno Smith and the Giants."  Just heard "Giants" the time when I thought they'd edited it.

So never mind, and enjoy the redhead.
"I contact the Plainsman at ThePlainsman1310@gmail.com.  So can you!"

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Just Heard a Pretty Good Little Show on 103.3

Out driving around today.  Hit The Ticket, expecting to hear SMU football with great play-by-play by Rich Phillips.  Nope, must have been halftime.

Wandered the dial and stumbled on a show on KESN (ESPN) that kept me tuned in for the next hour or so.

Not just "a show"; they call it "The Show."  Pretty aggressive (and unimaginative) title, but it was good, kept me listening with approximate Ticket-attentiveness. 

It featured Matt McClearin (formerly paired with Scot Harrison Sundays on the The Ticket (MaSS) before the two of them decamped to Birmingham for 3.5 years (WJOX)) and DJ Ringgenberg.  They talked college football and Cowboys.

Matt the good cop, DJ the bad cop.  In a show where McClearin is the mature older presence, you know you're going to hear some snottiness, but I liked it for all that.   Ringgenberg's contempt for the Nebraska Cornhuskers was amusing after their shellacking by Iowa yesterday.  (Ringgenberg's an Iowa grad.) 
I see on Ringgenberg's LinkedIn page that he also interned for Norm from June through August 2012.  After describing his duties, he notes:  "I also prepared excellent coffee to the exact specifications of Mr. Hitzges on a daily basis.”
A highlight of the show was an interview with Charean Williams.  She was excellent, damned hard-core sportsy talk and no cutesy.  The Ticket could use a sports-media call-in expert like that; heck, could use a host like that.  Would love to hear her on with the 'Line.  She was with the Fort Worth Star-Telegram since 1999, laid off last May.   Cat should give her a call, she sounds like she'd be worth shuffling for.  Jeez, he's Ops Director for the station, he may have programmed her.  Move her on over, Jeff.

You guys may already know about The Show and Ringgenberg and Williams, but they were new to me, probably because I'm mostly Ticket-centric.   Anyway, a meaty listen and thought I'd pass it along.

Did get to hear Rich Phillips's thrilling call of the final play of the SMU-Tulane game.  Of course, most of Rich's calls are thrilling.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Gobble Gobble

I wish all Confessors a happy and safe Thanksgiving and weekend.

And I thank all three Musers for their courage in broadcasting today.

Sorry for no live redhead today -- couldn't find anything holiday-appropriate.  It's a little NSFW, so I'm making it small.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Remember My Crazy but Deeply-Held Theory About Coercing Jerry Jones to Sell the Cowboys?

Maybe not so extremely crazy, although this version is more conventional:

Niffle Owners Could Force Jerry Jones to Sell Cowboys

We can dream.

"I don't care f_____-all about what bag of Jones DNA operates the Dallas Cowboys, but don't you dare touch that cute ginger football team manager man."

Sunday, November 5, 2017


I believe I wrote a week or so back that I wanted to hear Our Man Monte and Travis Mejia do a weekend show.  If I'm hearing things correctly, I believe I'm getting my wish this fine Central Standard Sunday ("Mon-T&T," they're calling it).

Sounds good so far.

LATER:  I guess I missed a "T" -- there's a third host, one Tim with an Eastern European last name I'm not catching and not finding online -- Krajewski, maybe?  The only one I can find.  Pretty good show, good sound.   Not sure about three voices on a Sunday morning.  Not sure.  But liking it OK.  Monte in charge, that's a good.

Also, that last redhead was only up for a couple of hours before I put up that archived post, so here she is again.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

FROM THE ARCHIVES: The Time Has Come for my Crazy Theory to Claim to be Just the Tiniest Bit Slightly Less Crazy

This will be the third time I've run this piece.  Sorry if you remember it from 2013 or 2015.  Of the hundreds of articles I've composed, I think this one was the most fun on my end.  Suffice it to say it did not gain any traction, or really much notice, on either occasion but it makes me smile to think about it so I'm going to flog the long-suffering Confessor one more time with it, as George's recent oration has brought its topic to the forefront in a way we haven't seen in these parts for awhile.
I have updated it in only two respects:  (1) I have linked to the video of the Monty Python Brontosaurus Theory sketch, which has nothing whatever to do with this topic and which you may usefully skip, and (2) I've noted one additional fact in support, which appears in brackets.
My analysis of Cowboys mediocrity is somewhat out of date, but was laser-accurate and MTC-hot as of 2013.
I hope you enjoy it (again, for those of you who have been with me for awhile).  Feel free to share on the electric computer system of the world of Social Mediums.
And Thank You for Shopping at My Ticket Confession.

The Time Has Come to Reveal My Far-Fetched but Deeply-Held Belief on Solving the Problem of Perpetual Cowboys Mediocrity; or, The Brontosaurus Theory

Confessors, with a title like that, I deem that you have been given fair warning that this is one of those blessedly rare Plainsman sportsy posts, wherein I demonstrate rather small knowledge about sports.  I suppose that's what comes of listening to The Ticket.

But, in honor of the entrepreneurial spirit embodied in Danny Balis (there's your Ticket connection for this post), let me ask you to put aside preconceived notions and use your imagination.  You can probably come up with some variations of what follows that may make more sense.

The conventional wisdom – and this view is held not only by me and many of you, but by an acquaintance of mine who might in fact be the No. 1 Cowboys fan in DFW, I kid you not – is that the Cowboys will not return to greatness as long as they are owned by Jerry Jones.  That the Cowboys will, in fact, get worse as his ego continues to eat away at judgment with the passing years.  Because Jerry Jones will not give up control as he struggles to cast off the shadow Jimmy and win a title for which he can claim principal credit.  And because Jerry Jones will not sell the Cowboys, their averageness-or-worse will soil that beastly stadium out there for years to come.

I grant that this is a very likely scenario.  But it is not the only possible scenario.  Let me toss out a few concepts.

Jerry Is a Very, Very Bad General Manager and Owner.  I won't spend much time on this, we all know it.  His latest machinations, castrating Jason Garrett, loading up the coaching staff with people he selects, is a recipe for failure.  It is widely accepted that 2013 is make-or-break for Garrett – but what earthly sense does it make to (1) reduce his responsibility for the offense and (2) stick him with personnel not of his choosing and then to increase his accountability?  I happen to think Garrett bears a large share of the blame for fielding offenses that apparently don't know the plays after two-plus years and that can't get them called before a half-second remains on the play clock.  Maybe Jerry has selected players of incorrigible stupidity, but more likely is that they're not prepared, or the plays require calls that are not appropriate for the hurly-burly of the gridiron, or Tony doesn't transmit the playcalls efficiently.  But if that's the way you as GM feel about the guy, fire him, don't play games for another season that do nothing more than establish the head coach's lack of authority and your own poor judgment, begging yet the further question:  What accomplished, self-respecting coach would play for the  meddlesome savant-wannabe caricature that is Jerry Jones? 

And he's a bad owner because he refuses to hire experienced professional football management, or listen to the people in his organization who fit that description.
Since we all pretty much believe that Jerry is incompetent, why do I even bother to mention it?  Because:

Jerry Jones Is So Incompetent, That in the Process of Manufacturing Year After Year of Mediocrity and Worse, Jerry Jones Is Also Managing to Embarrass Texas in General, and, in Particular, the Wealthy of Texas.   Jones is pathologically incapable of keeping his piehole zipped.  And in its unzipped state, it emits torrents of disconnected phrases, 180-degree contradictions within a single breath, and downright nonsense.  It would be tolerable and possibly even charming if he'd shown a molecule of talent for running a football team, but since he hasn't, he looks like the kind of Texan, especially the kind of rich Texan, that non-Texans like to sneer at – ignorant, arrogant, incoherent. (Although he was born in Los Angeles and raised in Arkansas.)  The kind who thinks it's classy to hang the world's biggest video screen in his stadium, so big it renders the live contest irrelevant, and to feature caged go-go dancers.  You can't tell me that his pals in whatever the Rich Guy Club is in these parts (um, I don't belong) don't cringe when they see his latest high-wire act before any nearby open mic and hear everyone, even media types who might be expected to curry his favor, shaking their heads in disbelief that this well-meaning but thoroughly deluded soul is helming the destruction of the most valuable sports franchise in the country. 

There Are Lots of Really, Really Rich People in Texas.  And when you put a few of them together, a billion here, a billion there, pretty soon you're talking about real money.  And maybe they'd rather people think of them more like J.R. Ewing, and not J.W. Jones.

Everything Has Its Price.

Including Jerry.

Ah, but you say, Jerry does not have his price.  His pride would never let him sell the team while it's down, before it does something really terrific, at least get to a Super Bowl if not win it.

I agree that Jerry will never accept market value for the team, however that may be measured (although every year there are organizations purporting to do it, including one that reported today).  

So the first step is for a bunch of these rich guys who have had enough losing and ridicule to get together and offer Jerry crazy money.  I don't know how crazy it would have to be to let Jerry claim that as his ultimate victory.  Maybe he wouldn't take it.  Maybe the crazy money would have to be so crazy that not even a consortium of the extremely wealthy would consider offering it.  I would, however, ask you to remember the difference between the price Nolan Ryan's group agreed to pay for the Rangers at the outset, and what they eventually paid after Mark Cuban got the bidding way up there.

Then what?


Find some way to let Jerry save face.  Make him Chairman Emeritus.  Name the stadium after him and pay him for the right to use his name.  A permanent suite at the stadium.  (With parking!)  Perhaps work something where he keeps the stadium or some piece of it.  There are all kinds of ways to compensate selling business owners.   Insist that they pay him personally millions not to take his incomparable football management skills to any other NFL team.   Give him a consulting deal and actually have meetings and let him have his say.

OK, let's say that none of this moves the old Razorback.  

There's always:


How do you get leverage over an ego?

Include Stephen and Jerry Jr. in the Consortium.  Is Stephen Jones the Prince Charles of DFW or what?  Waiting for His Majesty to abdicate or die.  Perhaps it would be meaningful to Jerry (in addition to the crazy money, let's not forget) to know that his beloved offspring would have some kind of management and ownership role, and that he'd still have his son's ear on matters Cowboys, even if he would have no authority.  I can imagine that the boys (!) would have some reluctance to show up with a group offering to buy the team – I'm sure they love and feel loyalty toward their Pop and might fear a family falling-out if appearing to want to oust him.  Still, there may be creative ways to involve them in a subtle and diplomatic approach that would not offend Jerry.

The Brontosaurus Theory.  But here's my gee-whiz solution, and I'm sure that there are NFL-savvy readers out there who will tell me that this could never, ever happen in a squillion years. 

But, like Anne Elk (John Cleese) who offers her theory on the brontosaurus on Monty Python's Flying Circus, this is my theory, and it is mine, and belongs to me, and what it is, too.  The next thing you will read is my theory:

This rich-guy consortium goes to Jerry – again, with their crazy money, maybe really crazy in light of this (my) theory and the thinking they want to inspire in Jerry, and they say this: 

Jerry, we have crazy money for you.  You know as sure as you're sitting there that this is easily a 30% premium over the highest valuation that any so-called expert places on this team.  You take that and walk away and you can hold your head high, laughing at your critics, knowing that win or lose, you, by the sheer force of your personality and will and balls in getting that stadium built, and, yes, winning three Super Bowls, created immense, incredible value, made this the second most valuable franchise in the world, second only to Manchester United.  Incredible accomplishment, Jerry.

You take this crazy money, Jerry.  You take it.  We'll put your name on that stadium.  Take a look at this term sheet, there's a bunch of other goodies in there, and looky here, Jerry, we're going to give Stephen and Jerry Jr. and Charlotte the opportunity to invest at a very high level and give them significant management responsibility.  You can be Chairman Emeritus.  

Take this crazy money, Jerry, and all the rest, because if you don't take this crazy money, we're going to keep an appointment that we made some months ago with Roger Goodell to discuss with him our strong commitment to putting an NFL team in Fort Worth, Texas.  As you can see, it will be hugely well-financed, with a stadium – oh, Jerry, it will not be a stadium like yours – it will be a big stadium, for sure, but it will be one that people will love, a real Texas stadium, like Fort Worth is a real Texas city, like people love the Ballpark at Arlington, like people love Sundance Square that was also bought with crazy Fort Worth money.  In fact, that stadium, it'll be right near downtown -- those city fathers know how to work with businessmen.   Maybe we'll swipe Jacksonville or some other lame franchise – maybe we'll argue for expansion.  And Roger Goodell will listen, and all the other owners we've made appointments with will listen, because Texas is a football state, and DFW is a gigantic market with lots and lots of people who have given up their Cowboy season tickets and lost all faith in you, and because major and lesser markets have fielded two NFL teams at once:  New York, Bay Area. [And since this was written, Los Angeles.]  Crazy money, Jerry. 

You think your fellow owners would never allow it?  Think again.  Crazy.   And when we get that franchise -- don't you doubt us, Jerry, you know who we are -- we are going to treat our fans like royalty and we're going to get the best football people in the country and we're going to have a fracking party every week over in crazy Fort Worth over this team we're going to put together, Jerry.  Ground floor fans who don't give a bag of dirt about what your franchise did 20 years ago.  And we'll grab your fans, we'll grab your concession dollars, we'll grab your capital appreciation, we'll grab all of it and we will keep grabbing.

Because that is how we got this crazy money in the first place.  

It won't be hard. Crazy money, Jerry.  We got it.  We can get more.  

Because we're winners.  

Sign here. 

*     *     *

A bit melodramatic, perhaps.  And with a number of strategic difficulties. But God, that was fun.

Here's my point – we shouldn't assume that no circumstances exist under which Jerry would consider selling the team.  You won't know until you try.  Until you try, and let it leak that you're trying.  And I'm serious about a Fort Worth team.

So here's the plan, Confessors.  Send the link to this post to all of your billionaire friends.  Let's see, do I know any billionaires, let me think  .  .  .