Thursday, January 10, 2013

Only My Ticket Confession Has the Courage to Ask If The Ticket's Endorsements Threaten the End of the World

A lot of you don't like these kind of posts, so apologies in advance.

*     *     *

Oh, my quaking Confessors, I had a horrifying thought this evening.

It makes me wonder if The Ticket has taken a position which, under certain circumstances, might mean the end of reality as we know it.

It is indeed a world-threatening possibility.

But before I get to that, I would like to join Mike Rhyner in wishing Donald Fagen a happy milestone birthday, his 65th.  A true musical genius, including, I would argue, a performing genius.  I recorded one of his tunes awhile back, very cool arrangement with a trio plus a Hammond B3.  My performance would not make you forget his, but it was an honor to sing it nevertheless.

Love this man's stuff.

All right, back to the end of civilization.

As you know, all the Ticket hosts, without exception have (no doubt independently) concluded that All-Pro Foundation Repair is the foundation repair to select.  I wonder how many of you are also aware that even Jody Dean endorses All-Pro Foundation Repair.

This is not Jody Dean.  It is Tara Harper,
to whom Jody Dean  reportedly pitched woo
on something called Most Eligible Dallas.  But she is
more fun to look at a picture of than is Jody Dean.
Its preferred method of foundation repair has an extremely unusual property.   This property is not described on its website -- indeed, I can find no Internet references to it at all.  However, this method -- the solid helical pier -- is described on All-Pro's website as follows:  "This pier has an almost infinite drilling depth and weight bearing capacity."  Got that?  Almost infinite.

But The Ticket doesn't even make a claim that extreme.  The hosts (through, I recall, Mike Rhyner) expressly state that the pier can support more than twice the weight of the house.  "That's why we say," Mike says, "that it is mathematically impossible to fail."

Whoa.  Mathematically impossible to fail.

But consider:

What if one of them failed?

Hypothetical illustration.
Well, you snicker, that's ridiculous -- it's a mathematical impossibility.

Oh yeah?  Well then, why does All-Pro Foundation Repair give a lifetime guarantee?  

First of all, what the hell is a lifetime guarantee?  The buyer's?  What if he sells the house?  Does the guarantee go until the seller dies?  Or is it the lifetime of the house?  How is that measured?  I suppose one measure would be its collapse with the catastrophic failure of the helical piers.  

But let's put that conundrum aside, and consider the meaning of a guarantee.  It provides buyers with a remedy in the event of the failure of the product.  Ah, you say, All-Pro might as well issue a lifetime guarantee if its pier is mathematically impossible to fail, since it would never, ever have a claim.  But surely it would be an even better sales ploy to say -- our piers, being mathematically impossible to fail, don't even require a lifetime guarantee, because one would be completely unnecessary.  Issuing a lifetime guarantee where the event being guaranteed against is considered, or represented to be, impossible, would be like the Vatican issuing a money-back lifetime warranty of Jesus's love.

Nope -- a guarantee concedes the possibility of claims against it -- the possibility of failure.

Nevertheless, whatever you think a lifetime guarantee means, the question still remains:

What if this pier, which, after all, is just a piece of solid galvanized metal, and not a magical substance  .  .  .  failed.  Did not support properly.  Within your lifetime, you found cracks in your foundation.

So then we would have something that is mathematically impossible to fail .  .  .  failing.

Which would mean that mathematics -- the way we describe the physical world, the basis for all technology, the discipline without which we would have nothing -- indeed, according to some schools of thought that claim that mathematics is an inherent property of the universe, a set of truths that are "discovered" rather than "invented" -- without which there would be nothing -- is false.

Suggesting, if one accepts this latter view of math, that the failure of an All-Pro Helical Pier would mean the end of the universe.

So, if any of you know of a house employing an All-Pro Helical Pier with foundation problems -- keep it to yourself. 

Twitter:  @Plainsman1310


Anonymous said...

Someone needs to take away the key to Plainsman's liquor cabinet.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I found this post funny. And interesting. Plainsman is philosophical. Not a philosopher, but philosophical. And he is most definitely not a mathematician. But he does have a wicked sense of humor.

Now back to the post: Plainsman, you're playing a game of semantics with those who are playing the same game without knowing they're playing said game. Yes? Hence, wheels are spinning and no progress is being or will ever be made. But I think you knew that while composing your post.

Anonymous said...

To which I should add, how very Steely Dan of you!

The Plainsman said...

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

birq said...

I like semantic nitpicking like this. To play devil's advocate, I'd take the position that "mathematically impossible" means they're hedging their bets against physical imperfections in the piers -- on paper, the pier should support twice the weight of the house, but a physical failure could happen that has nothing to do with the load or the implementation of the product.

That said, what if your house weighs, say 20 tons, and you're an avid safe collector? You're having foundation issues, so All Pro installs their helical piers and everything is right again about your walls and doors. You happen to own 21 of the finest vintage 1-ton safes that money can buy. Does that void your warranty?

Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ.

birq said...

Interesting angle, 9:53. That's a great point.

The Plainsman said...

Ah, my dear birq, but remember: All-Pro has placed in writing the representation that "this pier has an almost infinite drilling depth and weight-bearing capacity." You could bolt this pier to freakin' China and perch freakin' Saturn on your roof -- same result: mathematics as we know it dictates that the helical pier cannot fail. All-Pro doesn't say that it is "theoretically impossible to fail" (i.e., your "on paper" formulation) -- they have staked the truth of mathematics itself on their promise that their pier cannot fail.

blergoyen said...

Beyond the mathematical and drilling-depth claims, they also claim the material, steel, is a superior material. Every time I hear that I remember a documentary I saw detailing the construction of the Petronas towers in Kuala Lumpur. They spent a significant amount of time showing engineers concocting a special CEMENT recipe in a lab to hold up to the various forces, INCLUDING WEIGHT, to which piers under these towers would be subject. They showed other, more standard cement recipes failing under significant weight, but the new formulation endured far greater weight. They used CEMENT piers under some of the tallest buildings in the world, NOT STEEL. So my conclusion is that steel, even in a helical (whatever that means) formation is probably not the best material to use for foundation repair, and probably more expensive.

BBQ said...

Dan just referenced All-Pro and their materials. Hmmmm......

Anonymous said...

Damn. There are Farrell imitations, not so under the table Greggo and The FAN putdowns galore going on in today's WTDS. Funny stuff, for sure. But some of it kinda harsh.

Anonymous said...

Not only did Jody Dean (Jub's nemesis, by the way) pitch woo to one Tara Harper...he did it while still married...and while being filmed. He's Larry King-like where the institution of marriage is concerned. Crazy stuff.

Anonymous said...

Norm's impassioned segments on the Cowboys today were vintage. So many drops, so much emotion. It must be hard to be that invested. I love me some Norman Adolph Hitzges.

BBQ said...

I wanted to put a face with the voice. For some reason, I didn't expect this face to match that voice.

The Plainsman said...

BBQ, did Dan by any chance let anything drop about the end of existence or anything?

BBQ said...

That I cannot recall. But of all things to mention, and specifically about their materials, I thought it was pretty darn "timely."

When are you going to lay on us your Farrell (per the website, this is the correct spelling) STD? Or did I somehow miss it?

The Plainsman said...

@BBQ: Per what website? I've only seen it spelled "Ferrall."

I need another listen or two, I've probably only heard about an hour total over a few nights.

The Plainsman said...

Go, Mitchell! He pronounced "Monte" as "Montay," Dirk's name as "no-wits-ski," and, I swear I heard him say his own first name as "Mitcher."

I'll concede that one does hear "no-wits-ki" from time to time, but I thought that "no-vits-ki" was now the accepted correct way to say it.

Of course, a significant percentage of Ticket hosts can't seem to pronounce Norm's last name correctly -- unless, of course, pronouncing it wrong is some kind of station bit (anyone know?).

The Plainsman said...

Is anyone else profoundly disturbed by that Honey Baked Ham billboard on the southbound Tollway a couple of miles south of the Galleria?

Alternatively, am I profoundly disturbed for finding it profoundly disturbing?

Maybe I can distractedly take a snap of it on my next flyby.

Anonymous said...

I don't know who's worse: Mitchell or Davey Lange. Unless Davey is talking about a band like a junior in college, he absolutely cannot speak. I wish Cat would find a replacement for The Orphanage. It's so played out and tired. Danny's a good, but Danny would be better served paired with someone else and perhaps on a weeknight. In fact, I'd prefer to have local shows until that idiot Ferrall comes on in lieu of the Top Ten. Save the Top Ten for the 2 hours prior to The Musers, or do a Top Ten of the week and save it for Friday, having local stuff on Mon-Thurs from 7-9.

The Ticketstock song is already driving me insane. Speaking of Ferrall, he seems to be the newest station wide butt of all jokes. It cracks me up. It also seems like there's been an uptick in the taking shots at The FAN lately. Also cracks me up.

T4 In Rockwall said...

For those that don't go that way, what's up with the HBH billboard?

T4 In Rockwall said...

I listen to a lot of podcasts and would love it if The Ticket still had the Top 10 podcasts, like back in the day. I'm also of The Orphanage as they are now, although those 2 push the boundaries quite a bit and have a somewhat limited subject matter. That's probably more Dave Lane than Danny B. Saying that, I'd like to see them following the Hardline until 9 daily.

The Plainsman said...

T4, I'll probably be heading that way tomorrow. If I get a chance I'll try to grab a snap of it to pass along.

Anything for the Confessor.

BBQ said...

My mistake, I meant to say "Ferrall."

atlanta rhythm section said...

No can do on the Ferrall front. Tried it the first time around many moons ago, tried it this time around. Nope. He sucks. Thanks for the link BBQ. Dammit man, the face and the voice seem way out of whack. He looks like my dentist, not some douche with what must be a fake or forced voice that at some point became real. You know, like when I was a kid they used to tell you that if you stuttered on purpose, eventually you'd actually stutter. Whatevs the dealio, I can't take Ferrall. He's more annoying than me, and that's saying waaay too much!

Anywho I'm out. But one more thing. The FAIL as it is now is outta here by May. No more RaGE or Elf or Gavin and Chris Arnold come May. Mark it. Write it down. It's a done dealio.

Anonymous said...

This is very similar to the HBH ad on the Tollway. Except the HBH one is even more labia-tastic.

The Plainsman said...

OK, I think this is it.

This is not the Tollway sign, which is indeed somehow more clinical -- I think the contrast is greater on the Tollway sign and the image of the ham, which is the same one you see here, is . . more . . . startling.

Apparently not only to me. In addition to 505's email, thanks very much 505, see:

I guarantee you, somewhere at Honey Baked Ham or its ad agency, some junior executive is giggling.

This thread is on this blog because I am always listening to The Ticket when I drive by the sign.

Anonymous said...

@atlanta rythym section; I can "Mark it, Write it down" that your gauruntee for The Fail is Not a done dealio. In fact, I'd be more than happy to wager that atleast 2 or more of those hosts will still be on the station as formatted and doing just fine. But it wouldn't be a fair bet, b/c i know I'm right.