Saturday, September 24, 2011

Memo to Alice Walton: Let Me Broker Your Date with Mike Rhyner


[ITEM:  A week or so ago The Hardline was reviewing the Forbes list of the 400 wealthiest people in the U.S. and noting the ones who lived in DFW. Alice Walton, daughter of Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton, topped the DFW list with $23 billion US or thereabouts. She happens to be Mike's age, which got The Hard Ones urging Mike to pursue her.  This site would like to leverage its vast local influence to help Mike with this initiative.]

Alice, I know you’re a Confessor.  Hey, who isn’t these days, what with all of Greggo’s wacky weekend Tweeting!!   You gotta come to good old MTC, right?  Well, you can enjoy one of the many advantages that go along with Confessing by taking me up on my offer to smooth your introduction to one Mike Rhyner, paving your way to a pleasant evening at one of the metro’s swell spots. 

Object:  Romance!

You know, you can’t be too careful about blind dates when you’re clocking in at the tens of billions in the samolian department.   You can’t just waltz out with every lonely swain Mark Cuban dredges up for you out of his Rolodex of mere multimillionaire single buddies.

I would be honored to vouch for Mike and arrange the necessary introductions.  I know the man well.

No – no, his name isn’t Manuel.  I meant that I know Mike well.  I’ve never actually met him, but I’m sure that will change when I become your personal emissary to the Ticket’s stable of eligible stallions.    I have, however, spent several hours a day with him every weekday for the past seven years.

Let me just tick off some of the qualities that make him the ideal evening companion to a woman of wealth and taste.

I know, I know, women don't care about looks, but let's get this out of the way -- Mike  has taken good care of himself.  I mean, at one time or another the guy's been tested for everything


He positively radiates charm with his inviting demeanor.


When he has a conversation with a woman, he actually listens to what she has to say; he'll look you right in the eye.


He loves fine literature, and uses his passion for books to mentor younger men in his profession.


But he's not only conversant with the fine arts; he's intimately involved with the performing arts as well.  I think you'll find his stage presence translates well to an intimate evening across an elegant dinner table.


No, I don't know what that is in his pocket.

You say you're not interested because you're more into the furries-plushies scene? Hell, Alice, no problem.




And Alice, I didn't want to bring this up, but when I was researching you in attempting to identify those 37 points of compatibility you hear so much about these days, I discovered that you have, shall we say, a fondness for the fruit of the bottle.

Check.

And that you once called a policewoman who pulled you over after you mowed down a gas meter a "bitch."

Gotcha covered.

Well, Alice, I can't blame you for being a hard woman to please.  I really thought you'd go for Mike.  He's age-appropriate, he just missed the Forbes 400, and  .  .  .  what's that you say?  It's his age that's the problem?  You're looking to get younger at that position? 

Here, let me check my Ticket stallion files  .  .  .



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9 comments:

Anonymous said...

OK. So why the T.C. photo? If I were you, I'd procure a picture of his hot ex-wife, you know, so as to show Ms. Watson that someone who SEEMS to have taste actually married, and had a kid, with this guy.

On a serious note: what the hell is this about, man?

The Plainsman said...

Anonymous: Thanks. See first comment above for what it's about.

Shaggy said...

So my post quoting JJT's tweet with the word pu--y gets deleted, but the wet t-shirt photo with full nippleage is okay?

Help me understand.

Anonymous said...

Not funny Plainsman.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Weak stuff.

Jonaessa said...

As I started reading this article, my confusion was quickly interrupted by how witty and laugh-out-loud funny this piece is. Yes, it is certainly not what regular readers have come to expect from this site. However, it is quite a breath of fresh air. Well done, Mr. Plainsman. Well done.

Anonymous said...

nice job...enjoyed reading this

Shaggy said...

So Richie no longer works for the Observer...

The Plainsman said...

Ah, you can't please everyone, but this thing got major hits without the benefit of an outside link, so it must have gotten around some.

But on to Richie . . . .