Saturday, January 15, 2011

Junior Wipes Out!!

[Formerly titled, "Junior Craps Out!!]

This one's a little stale, sorry.  Actually, more than a little.

Readers will know that Craig Miller is one of this site's fave raves.  I won't go over his many merits at this time.  Suffice it to say that Your Plainsman appreciates his analytical approach to SPORTS and his dry sense of humor.  I"ve been surprised in the last couple of months to have received some Junior blowback -- some find him sarcastic and thin-skinned and superior-seeming, and there's some truth to that, but those outbreaks are rare and don't sppreciably move the needle for me on the Junior baconometer.

But he said something a few weeks ago that has required that I conduct an agonizing reappraisal.

I don't recall how it came up, but the subject was -- toilet paper.

I was astounded to hear Craig say that he preferred the very softest of toilet papers.  I believe he may even have mentioned Charmin. 

Why would he say a thing like that?  Maybe it's all those rough bike rides on those skinny little seats  .  .  .  .

It was also rather disturbing that neither George nor Gordon upbraided him severely for this.

Men, Junior being one -- true men, real men, I mean -- do not use Charmin.  They use Scott or other more manly, less  .  .  .  girly, less  .  .  .  liquid toilet papers.  In fact, Scott is really the only TP choice for a man, at least since Sears quit publishing catalogues.

Mrs. Plainsman and I were dining once with another couple some years ago and this very subject came up.  Who knows how.  The other man and I were Scott men.  The ladies, Charmin.  We guys said almost the same thing, simultaneously -- when required to use Charmin under extreme duress, we felt unclean even after using the reams of Charmin required to accomplish the task.

So I would implore Junior to reconsider his preference in this regard. 

At a minimum, arrange a consult on the topic with George DeJohn, who knows a thing or two about cleansing.


James said...

I was shocked a few weeks ago when two manly men I know said they are using baby wipes. No joke.

Anonymous said...

Plainsman: When you said you were about to let loose an off the wall HSO, you weren't kidding! I guess Junior has "sore-butt" from all of his cycling. Hence the need for a more gentle brand of toilet paper.

James: I know what you mean regarding the baby wipes. A buddy of mine swears by them. I swear that I'll never try them.

Scott said...

I guess I never thought about it that much. Seeing as my name sake is a toilet paper, possibly I should research this. I think for the most part, the selection in our domicile is made depending on how big a roll you get for the lowest price.

As for baby wipes.... I had never heard that one... until traveling with a baby and needing to use a facility that was poorly stocked. I had to resort to baby wipes. While it did the job well, I can't imagine that being a habit.

cancer monkey said...

I've heard the baby wipes thing before from Dan. I've never gone that route and don't plan to. I don't use toilet paper; that's why I own a koi pond.

Anonymous said...

I'll just take this opportunity to remind you that no matter how much our favorite radio hosts may seem like "just one of the guys," they are in fact, quite wealthy (cue Mozart strings).

I suppose if I were rich, I'd use the most expensive toilet paper, as well.

Also, CM beat me to the Koi Pond joke, so how abotu this:

"Do you like trying new paper products? Do you like only the best toilet tissue?"

-Anon B

Anonymous said...

Anon B: Nice one!

Anonymous said...

I have two ticket related questions. Are Rhyner and Norm still married or are they both single? Also, has there been any news or sightings of the late "great" Rocco Pendola? I've seen the first question posted before, but I've yet to see an answer.

Anonymous said...

Rhyner's dead.

T4 In Rockwall said...

I'm almost positive Rhyner's divorced again, but that Norm is still married. I'm pretty sure I've heard both comfirm on the air in a nonchalant way.

The Plainsman said...

Actually, price competition is fierce among brands and is complicated by the different sizes of rolls, different numbers of sheets, and so forth.

In general, my very quick and informal Google survey suggests that Scott is considered more expensive than Charmin, although it varies from store to store and sale to sale.

In any event, Junior should be using the manlier TP irrespective of price.

I don't know anything about Norm's or Mike R's domestic arrangements.

Rocco was before my time, but I hear a host refer to him from time to time. Wikipedia reports only that "rumor has it that he is planning a return to the airwaves," which doesn't sound too promising for his current circumstances.

ap said...

By that same line of reasoning, Plainsman, should I be bathing using a pumice stone and 100-grit sandpaper? ;)

Like most males, I imagine my bathroom to be the only place in the household where I am truly a king sitting on his throne, even if it is made of porcelain. As such, I want it to be equipped with the finest of amenities, which in my case includes speakers for hands-free streaming of the mighty ticket, a powerful yet quiet exhaust fan and only the finest in toilet paper (ok, Costco-brand, but not the recycled crap that works better as drywall tape).

If a man wants to use something resembling a baby kitten to wipe, and it does the job in a hygienic fashion, so be it! Just as long as the kitten isn't stuck to his shoe when he walks out.

Also, baby wipes are an incredible boon if you're camping and will be doing a considerable amount of hiking. Nobody wants a mudslide. Nobody.
[this'll perhaps be my last drunken post!]

The Plainsman said...

Three words: MORE DRUNKEN AP.

Douglas Sutherland said...

RE: Mike's divorce.

It's surprising how little there is about this on the internet, either confirming or denying it. You'd think that it'd leak somewhere since he's such a well-known DFW figure.

When Jordan graduated from USC, Mike did mention his wife, Renee in the segment. Obviously that doesn't mean much since some divorces are civil, but it's something.

There's speculation that he got divorced shortly after Jordan went to USC, which was around the time Greggo left.

Entertainment tonight type report: Renee's website is still listed as BUT her company's twitter account doesn't follow Mike, and Mike doesn't follow her either.

Yes I realize all this is "mark this under who gives a ____."

Douglas Sutherland said...*

Anonymous said...

Regarding Norm, Rhyner, and marriage: I believe they are both divorced. If memory serves (warning-it serves less and less with each passing year), Norm's divorce was directly referenced on-air. It was even hinted at the other day when something was mentioned about him moving to a smaller place. The way "date talk" has ramped up over the past few years leads me to believe that Rhyner's divorced. (That and the fact that the "She-Wolf" hasn't been mentioned in years.) When "date talk" first reared its head I thought they were riffing on the Stern show (back when Stern was still married to his first wife). However, as time went on, I came to think that he was either in the process of getting a divorce or already was. Besides, I can't see how anyone can be married and carry on the lifestyle that he seems to live -- all the Petty Theft gigs, the watching an extraordinary amount of t.v., all around Peter Pan existence, etc.

Rocco seems to have disappeared.

T4 In Rockwall said...

And Gordo has gotten divorced over the years too. Back before his web page changed, he used to have a link to his wife's photography website, but not anymore. There's also an old pic of him holding a baby with a wedding ring on.

That station is not very good on the old marriage.

Anonymous said...

I had no idea about Gordo. Wow.

cancer monkey said...

I'm pretty sure Gordo is still married. I was talking to someone not that long ago who was telling me about his wife. She has known Gordo for a while and was telling me that his horndog act is just an act after all.

Anonymous said...

Radio is tough on marriages. Your job is your life. When I was on-air, your day was pretty much:

• go to meetings
• do some production/VO work
• get on-air
• some more production or misc. crap
• go to remote or other event
• enjoy 4 hours of sleep
Rinse and repeat.

Even on days you weren't on-air, you were expected to be at some promotional thing.

I don't know how they do it. I don't know how any of them are still married.

-Anon B

Shaggy said...

Dan referred to Norm's "lady friend" today during the mix.

Anonymous said...

Someone wanna tell Junior that Rocky Gervais started in the music business?

Punching my dashboard,
-Anon B